Memory of the Breaking

O, wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

Memory of the Breaking

 

Bare, leafless trees

Stand stark against the January sky.

 

The remnants of our time

Ache like old, forgotten fractures

Chilled in the bitter wind.

 

The memory of the breaking

Playing over and over again.

 

The darkest corner of grief

Is winter.

 

C. Sharshel

1/17/2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All...

The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.
~Marianne Williamson~

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

As my sobriety date approaches this year, I have been looking through some of my past step work - particularly steps 8 and 9. It seems like every year at this time, I enter into a place of darkness and uncertainty in my recovery. I find myself remembering, reliving, and revisiting some of my most regrettable moments and calling to mind my most painful, and most well deserved losses...the things I cannot change. More than anything, I think of the people that were the victims of my selfish recklessness. Looking back at some of the lists that I have made over the years, I see names that have dropped off of the page, and names that have stayed near the top - amends that I have just not been able to call finished. This year, however, what I notice about the list is not so much about the names that are on them, or have been crossed off of them. What I notice most is the name that has never appeared at all...my own.

At the height of my addiction, I was not a good person. I engaged in behaviors that make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them. I hurt many people...my family, my friends, the people that cared about me the most. And I also hurt myself...over and over and over. I abandoned myself. I treated myself in the most horrifying ways imaginable. How can my list of persons I have harmed ever be complete without my own name listed right at the very top?

It is a difficult thing to get a handle on. In recovery, we learn that we must be vigilant against the disease by holding ourselves accountable and taking full responsibility for our actions. Giving myself a break often feels like making an excuse, and the notion of compassion for myself feels like a certain ticket to relapse. The idea of ever forgiving a time in my life that feels absolutely unforgivable to me is so incredibly hard to accept. But the step says "and became willing to make amends to them ALL."

I often refer to my addiction as a fire that consumed everything in it's path. It has taken a very long time, and a huge amount of care to bring the burned and barren landscape back to the point of being able to support new life. But new growth cannot happen in an environment of hostility and darkness. Just like plants need sun and water and good soil, my own soul needs love and compassion and understanding from the inside to bloom to it's potential beauty...

I am afraid, but I am willing.

Today, I will make a new list -

And my name will be at the top...

No Time Like the Present

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown

Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have a ton of regrets. When I get still, and think about the various ways in which my addiction has affected me and the people that were around me when I was using, I fear the grief will just swallow me up. The understanding that my behavior caused other people great pain in their lives...so much so that it became unforgivable...is, perhaps, the most excruciating thing in my own. There is nothing in my past that I wish to relive, but there are plenty of things that I wish I could do over, do differently, do better.

To avoid the pain that past regrets bring forth, I spend a great deal of time trying to occupy my thoughts with other things. For the past couple of years, I have been trying to make plans for a different future. I have dreamed of drastic changes, far away places, and a life far removed from reminders of such painful times. My plans are beginning to fall into place, and it is both exciting and scary at the same time. My emotions range from being barely able to stand the waiting and being paralyzed by the terror of failing...and failing alone. The former creates a deep seated discontent in my soul, and the latter...well, I have been talking myself out of a lot of panic attacks lately.

The problem with placing myself too far, or too often, into the past or the future is that it causes me to lose sight of today and miss out on the joys of the present. Even on bad days, there are priceless moments that make me smile, make me think, and allow me to fully immerse myself in the gratitude I feel just for waking up on the top side of the dirt on that day. I can't change anything that has happened in the past, and the future is uncertain for everyone - no one absolutely knows that tomorrow will actually happen. But in this day, and this moment...one day, hour, moment, second at a time...I can make a right choice, and then another - with the understanding that if I put enough of those together, the future can't help but work out...and just maybe, eventually, the right choices I make right now will become greater than the wrong choices I made when I was using...and that will somehow make its way to the people that I need too see it. Stranger things have happened...

There really is no time like the present...