Memory of the Breaking

O, wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

Memory of the Breaking

 

Bare, leafless trees

Stand stark against the January sky.

 

The remnants of our time

Ache like old, forgotten fractures

Chilled in the bitter wind.

 

The memory of the breaking

Playing over and over again.

 

The darkest corner of grief

Is winter.

 

C. Sharshel

1/17/2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All...

The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.
~Marianne Williamson~

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

As my sobriety date approaches this year, I have been looking through some of my past step work - particularly steps 8 and 9. It seems like every year at this time, I enter into a place of darkness and uncertainty in my recovery. I find myself remembering, reliving, and revisiting some of my most regrettable moments and calling to mind my most painful, and most well deserved losses...the things I cannot change. More than anything, I think of the people that were the victims of my selfish recklessness. Looking back at some of the lists that I have made over the years, I see names that have dropped off of the page, and names that have stayed near the top - amends that I have just not been able to call finished. This year, however, what I notice about the list is not so much about the names that are on them, or have been crossed off of them. What I notice most is the name that has never appeared at all...my own.

At the height of my addiction, I was not a good person. I engaged in behaviors that make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them. I hurt many people...my family, my friends, the people that cared about me the most. And I also hurt myself...over and over and over. I abandoned myself. I treated myself in the most horrifying ways imaginable. How can my list of persons I have harmed ever be complete without my own name listed right at the very top?

It is a difficult thing to get a handle on. In recovery, we learn that we must be vigilant against the disease by holding ourselves accountable and taking full responsibility for our actions. Giving myself a break often feels like making an excuse, and the notion of compassion for myself feels like a certain ticket to relapse. The idea of ever forgiving a time in my life that feels absolutely unforgivable to me is so incredibly hard to accept. But the step says "and became willing to make amends to them ALL."

I often refer to my addiction as a fire that consumed everything in it's path. It has taken a very long time, and a huge amount of care to bring the burned and barren landscape back to the point of being able to support new life. But new growth cannot happen in an environment of hostility and darkness. Just like plants need sun and water and good soil, my own soul needs love and compassion and understanding from the inside to bloom to it's potential beauty...

I am afraid, but I am willing.

Today, I will make a new list -

And my name will be at the top...

Searching and Fearless

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-August Wilson-

Inventories...we all do them at one time or another. We take stock of what is in our pantry before going to the grocery store and we make our list accordingly. Each season we look at our wardrobe to figure out what we have, what we need, what no longer fits, what needs to be discarded or donated, and what might be salvageable or even made almost new with some attention and mending. In business, inventories are designed to give us the information that we need to make decisions and plans for how to move successfully into a thriving future.

An inventory is a fact finding mission. Still, it is easy to get caught up in judgement. Who knows the annoyance associated with going to the grocery store and buying something only to find, as you stuff it into your already full cupboard, that you already have 15 other cans of whatever it is? Ok, well, maybe just me - I am obsessed with always having enough tomato sauce. But I would venture to guess that we have all been through the big closet raid - trying on pants that haven't seen action since Madonna was making bad movies and skinny jeans were the ones you wore when you weren't feeling bloated - and men didn't wear them at all. If you are anything like me, time has taken it's toll and, well, those pants bring up all kinds of feelings and judgements, don't they? Our questionable taste and that extra pound or two (ha!) collide head on with each other to create an epic session of self loathing and shame...do they not?

And so it goes with Step 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. By embarking on this journey, we commit to taking stock of our fears, resentments, indiscretions, and responsibilities. We count specifically and remember in detail the people that we have injured and harmed. We seek out and own our part in the situations and events that have injured and harmed us. It is not an easy task and while it provides many opportunities to judge and berate, it is also ripe with opportunities for growth and compassion towards ourselves. This is the crossroads that step 4 presents to us after the understanding and relief that we find in steps 1, 2, and 3. When all of the unearthing is finished and our findings are laid out in front of us, how will we choose to use the facts that have been revealed? Will we use the information to expand our spirit or diminish it?

It is no coincidence to me that my step 4 work comes about in the spring season...around the same time as Lent. In Christian faiths, Lent is a time of observance for the sacrifice of Christ and preparation for the new hope that is coming through His resurrection. In nature, Spring is a time when the frozen ground of winter thaws into fertile soil ready for new growth and abundance. In both, we sacrifice. We remember. We prepare. We humble ourselves. We dig in the dirt, and analyze the light, the weather, and last year's successes and failures. Instead of getting stuck on what we didn't know last year, we marvel at how what we didn't know last year has taught us the things we need to know this year in order to plant the most amazing garden ever. Likewise, by practicing compassion with ourselves as we work through step 4, we are creating the space, conditions, and light that encourage spectacular new growth inside of our own souls. It is not always easy, and it hardly ever comes naturally - we have to choose it, and work at it to overcome the years of training that have taught us to do just the opposite.

I am not there yet, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth everything that I have to put into it...I have faith.

Nunc ceopi. Now I begin.
What was is past
What will be is hidden in the future
It is only now, this day, this moment, that counts.
Not what I did yesterday, or what I may do tomorrow...
Now I begin.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.

Peace in a New Day

Gonna find peace in a new day, gonna build a better way...
...brick by brick, stone by stone, stick by stick
~Rayn~

There has never been a time in which I wanted a "do over" more than the day that I stood in front of a conservative Texas judge in handcuffs and waited for his decision. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I completely understood that my life was about to be profoundly changed, forever.

And I was right.

When I came home from "camp" (well, okay, it was prison - but it was kind of like camp...with really bad food, no swimming, and very mean camp counselors...heh.), I set my sights very low, and spent a great deal of time wishing I could go back and start over. I thought of all of the things I could have done differently, better, smarter. On a daily basis, I grieved the things and people that I had lost. And I never imagined for one single minute that my life would ever be different. In my own mind, I believed that I had fucked up SO badly that this was the life I deserved...my punishment, penance, atonement. I eventually found a sort of peace in low expectations. I found a job that paid the bills and a quiet, solitary, off the radar life that was often lonely, but always predictable. I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to stop thinking about things I could not undo. Mostly, at all cost, I tried to avoid thoughts of the future...because those seemed to be the emptiest, grayest, coldest thoughts of all.

Until the day that I sat down and took a good hard objective look at myself - through my own eyes, through the eyes the honest and caring people that I had surrounded myself with, and through the factual history of the last several years of my life. All of that searching, evaluating, and challenging in my soul left me with only one possible conclusion:

The penance is done. I am not a bad individual - I made poor choices, and I paid a very high price. I learned. I grew. And I deserve a future...I have worked my ass off for it. I have earned it.

And so my sights aimed higher. A job that brings me joy in addition to income. A place to live where I can feel safe, and free, and peaceful. Forgiveness - most of all from myself.

If you build it, they will come.

I cannot go back and change the past - and I often wonder if it would really even help if I could. But, brick by brick, I am building a different future.

A new start.

And I am awed by the possibilities for a different ending.