Coming Out of The [Recovery] Closet

There are many ways up the mountain, but each of us must choose a practice that feels true to his own heart. 

- Jack Kornfield

This month, I will celebrate 10 years in recovery from my addiction to copious amounts of any drug, drink, activity, or person that can change the way I feel and take away the anxieties, insecurities, and other demons that keep me company on a regular basis.  It's a milestone for sure.  The road has not been particularly straight, smooth, or even paved in places.  I've taken a few wrong turns and I've fallen face first into a couple of potholes along the way.  I must say, I have become somewhat proficient at getting up, doctoring up the road rash on my face, and mustering the strength to keep walking...giving a little more careful attention to where I am putting my feet, and the position of the sun.

This week, my employer has been hosting a training workshop for aspiring interventionists - and part of the event has been a morning 12 step meeting each day - operating in the tradition and format laid out by Alcoholics Anonymous.  I attended all but one meeting and found the experience, strength, and hope in the room each and every morning to be nothing short of inspiring and took something profound and life giving away from each and every gathering.

And here is where I come out of the closet:
 
This evening, I met up with part of the group for some ice cream and conversation.  The conversation turned to meetings and the like and someone asked me how often I go to local meetings.  Without a beat, I said "Well, you know...I go to an occasional meeting - but I'm not really a die hard meeting girl."  Needless to say, in a crowd of folks in various stages of recovery, I got some interesting looks.

(Oh, wait...did you think I meant a different closet???)

What???  You don't go to meetings???  What kind of recovery person are you???

So perhaps I should explain further.

It is my belief that there are as many paths to recovery as there are people that need them - and that, while there is a wide range of diversity and compatibility, they all share some very fundamental similarities - recognizing that what we are doing is destroying us and the people we love...finding faith and relationship in a loving and guiding being or energy that is bigger that what we call self...acceptance and letting go...honest examination of the things that cause suffering in our lives and really seeking to know what role we play in creating and prolonging that suffering...and then owning them...taking responsibility for them...and finding freedom from them by making amends where we can, and practicing new ways of thinking and behaving so that our actions/reactions can be different the next time...and, finally, taking advantage of opportunities to share the things we learn along the way with others who may find hope and strength and peace in our experiences.

Sound familiar?  Of course it does...whether you are in (INSERT ADDICTION HERE) Anonymous, or influenced deeply by Eastern philosophies, or a devoutly religious person devoted to any number of versions of God, or an atheist or agnostic who is simply committed to this kind of way of living - and even if you somehow fit all of these...of course it sounds familiar.

Of all of the paths that I believe in...the ones I do not believe in, and will never believe in, are the one way, the right way, and the only way...

The traditional 12 step model has carried me through a lot of recovery, and I still rely so much on it's principles in my life.  Every day starts with an acknowledgement of my absolute need for guidance from the higher power of my understanding and ends with an inventory of my day and an honest look at what could have been different and where I may need to make some amends - along with a profound gratitude that I am going to bed as a completely different individual than I was 10 years ago.  I share my story honestly and often in hopes that each person that hears it will find some hope and strength in my experience.  I go to a meeting from time to time - and I am never sorry that I went...and I always come out with something that I need and leave something that I don't.  Most often, however,  I am committed to spending quiet time in meditation...centering myself...checking in with my heart...connecting with a universal, loving energy...staying present in each and every moment, engaging in "Metta" (loving-kindness) practice - sending prayers of love out for people in my life and for the world we live in...and seeking learning experiences that help me to relate to myself and others with more love, compassion, and integrity.  This is where I find my serenity...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.   It is not always perfect and it may not work for everyone, but it seems to be serving my own recovery well...

I think that the most important thing to remember is this:

Whatever path you are on that best serves and supports your recovery - keep coming back.

It really does work, if you work it.

 

And on that note...

Thank you for allowing me to share :-)

And Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All...

The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.
~Marianne Williamson~

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

As my sobriety date approaches this year, I have been looking through some of my past step work - particularly steps 8 and 9. It seems like every year at this time, I enter into a place of darkness and uncertainty in my recovery. I find myself remembering, reliving, and revisiting some of my most regrettable moments and calling to mind my most painful, and most well deserved losses...the things I cannot change. More than anything, I think of the people that were the victims of my selfish recklessness. Looking back at some of the lists that I have made over the years, I see names that have dropped off of the page, and names that have stayed near the top - amends that I have just not been able to call finished. This year, however, what I notice about the list is not so much about the names that are on them, or have been crossed off of them. What I notice most is the name that has never appeared at all...my own.

At the height of my addiction, I was not a good person. I engaged in behaviors that make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them. I hurt many people...my family, my friends, the people that cared about me the most. And I also hurt myself...over and over and over. I abandoned myself. I treated myself in the most horrifying ways imaginable. How can my list of persons I have harmed ever be complete without my own name listed right at the very top?

It is a difficult thing to get a handle on. In recovery, we learn that we must be vigilant against the disease by holding ourselves accountable and taking full responsibility for our actions. Giving myself a break often feels like making an excuse, and the notion of compassion for myself feels like a certain ticket to relapse. The idea of ever forgiving a time in my life that feels absolutely unforgivable to me is so incredibly hard to accept. But the step says "and became willing to make amends to them ALL."

I often refer to my addiction as a fire that consumed everything in it's path. It has taken a very long time, and a huge amount of care to bring the burned and barren landscape back to the point of being able to support new life. But new growth cannot happen in an environment of hostility and darkness. Just like plants need sun and water and good soil, my own soul needs love and compassion and understanding from the inside to bloom to it's potential beauty...

I am afraid, but I am willing.

Today, I will make a new list -

And my name will be at the top...

When I Remember to Be

"Faith is interesting – when you remember it, and you are in the middle of it – it is really liberating and peaceful – as human beings, our minds can forget really easily what that feels like. People ask me what my tattoo means and if I am 'liberated by faith,' and I have to say, ‘Yes, when I remember to be...’"

-Cathy DeBuono

Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows that I am a sucker for an amazing quote. Of course, I have lots of favorites from philosophers, classic authors, and great lyricists. But then there are the little side notes that I stumble upon, almost accidentally - in the most surprising places, from the most unexpected people...and these are the ones that stick with me and make me think the hardest...the ones that I end up memorizing without even trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I came upon this quote from actress Cathy DeBuono in a 3 year old article that popped up in a google search about a movie that she once starred in. I found the article, which you can read here, on a sports site - a pretty straightforward bio/profile of the collegiate volleyball player turned therapist turned actress and activist. These words were at the end of the piece...and, even as I read them, they cut right to my heart...and have remained there ever since. I am convinced that Google and the universe aligned in that moment, because these words were exactly the ones I needed to find.

I am not really a big fan of the holidays. This time of year seems to spike the level of difficulty in every single area that I struggle with even on my best days...depression, anxiety, addiction, insomnia...every little neurosis just seems to get bigger, sadder, and crazier. I ruminate about the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, and been hurt by, and lost along the way. I start worrying about the future and that I will ever have enough money to retire comfortably or a partner to love or be loved by and how I will go broke and grow old and die alone. I want to medicate. I want to obliterate every thought in my head and feeling in my heart with Xanax, Vicodin, and a bottle of Patron or a few really good, disgustingly dirty martinis. This is the time of year that I lose my faith.

And yes, my human mind does forget what it is like to stand in the middle of the feeling that no matter what is happening today...tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance...and that somehow I am exactly where I need to be in this moment, and the universe always works itself out the way it is supposed to - mostly without my input.

And then out of nowhere, with words on a page from a person that I do not know, I am reminded of every lesson that I have ever learned about choices and personal responsibility. Of course, the intellectual, educated, rehabilitated, 12 step part of me knows that the only control I have over events, situations, and feelings that seem unmanageable is how I choose to react to them. And whatever choices I am making today, I can change tomorrow, or next week, or right now - but I have to choose to do so. When the faith eludes me, I can curse my own faithlessness...or I can seek it out, find out where I laid it down, chase it down, and claim it as my own again. I will not escape the hole that I am in as long as I remain still and afraid - but the tiniest glimmer of hope, joined with purpose and intent, has the power to banish even the darkest of nights and light the path that the universe has all planned out for me. Delivered by faith...when I remember to be.

Deep down, pure, genuine, liberating, faith can never be truly lost. It never really goes away, even though I can't always see it...it never abandons my heart, even though I can't always feel it. It remains in me, even as I grope in the darkness to touch what I can't see...sometimes loud and screaming, and sometimes a voice I can barely discern, telling me that I am not done, that it is not over, and that a new day will always bring a new chance, a new choice, a new change...

Peaceful...Free...Delivered...

In the middle of it...

...When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

I think I have a new mantra...I hope I don't have to pay royalties on it...