Coming Out of The [Recovery] Closet

There are many ways up the mountain, but each of us must choose a practice that feels true to his own heart. 

- Jack Kornfield

This month, I will celebrate 10 years in recovery from my addiction to copious amounts of any drug, drink, activity, or person that can change the way I feel and take away the anxieties, insecurities, and other demons that keep me company on a regular basis.  It's a milestone for sure.  The road has not been particularly straight, smooth, or even paved in places.  I've taken a few wrong turns and I've fallen face first into a couple of potholes along the way.  I must say, I have become somewhat proficient at getting up, doctoring up the road rash on my face, and mustering the strength to keep walking...giving a little more careful attention to where I am putting my feet, and the position of the sun.

This week, my employer has been hosting a training workshop for aspiring interventionists - and part of the event has been a morning 12 step meeting each day - operating in the tradition and format laid out by Alcoholics Anonymous.  I attended all but one meeting and found the experience, strength, and hope in the room each and every morning to be nothing short of inspiring and took something profound and life giving away from each and every gathering.

And here is where I come out of the closet:
 
This evening, I met up with part of the group for some ice cream and conversation.  The conversation turned to meetings and the like and someone asked me how often I go to local meetings.  Without a beat, I said "Well, you know...I go to an occasional meeting - but I'm not really a die hard meeting girl."  Needless to say, in a crowd of folks in various stages of recovery, I got some interesting looks.

(Oh, wait...did you think I meant a different closet???)

What???  You don't go to meetings???  What kind of recovery person are you???

So perhaps I should explain further.

It is my belief that there are as many paths to recovery as there are people that need them - and that, while there is a wide range of diversity and compatibility, they all share some very fundamental similarities - recognizing that what we are doing is destroying us and the people we love...finding faith and relationship in a loving and guiding being or energy that is bigger that what we call self...acceptance and letting go...honest examination of the things that cause suffering in our lives and really seeking to know what role we play in creating and prolonging that suffering...and then owning them...taking responsibility for them...and finding freedom from them by making amends where we can, and practicing new ways of thinking and behaving so that our actions/reactions can be different the next time...and, finally, taking advantage of opportunities to share the things we learn along the way with others who may find hope and strength and peace in our experiences.

Sound familiar?  Of course it does...whether you are in (INSERT ADDICTION HERE) Anonymous, or influenced deeply by Eastern philosophies, or a devoutly religious person devoted to any number of versions of God, or an atheist or agnostic who is simply committed to this kind of way of living - and even if you somehow fit all of these...of course it sounds familiar.

Of all of the paths that I believe in...the ones I do not believe in, and will never believe in, are the one way, the right way, and the only way...

The traditional 12 step model has carried me through a lot of recovery, and I still rely so much on it's principles in my life.  Every day starts with an acknowledgement of my absolute need for guidance from the higher power of my understanding and ends with an inventory of my day and an honest look at what could have been different and where I may need to make some amends - along with a profound gratitude that I am going to bed as a completely different individual than I was 10 years ago.  I share my story honestly and often in hopes that each person that hears it will find some hope and strength in my experience.  I go to a meeting from time to time - and I am never sorry that I went...and I always come out with something that I need and leave something that I don't.  Most often, however,  I am committed to spending quiet time in meditation...centering myself...checking in with my heart...connecting with a universal, loving energy...staying present in each and every moment, engaging in "Metta" (loving-kindness) practice - sending prayers of love out for people in my life and for the world we live in...and seeking learning experiences that help me to relate to myself and others with more love, compassion, and integrity.  This is where I find my serenity...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.   It is not always perfect and it may not work for everyone, but it seems to be serving my own recovery well...

I think that the most important thing to remember is this:

Whatever path you are on that best serves and supports your recovery - keep coming back.

It really does work, if you work it.

 

And on that note...

Thank you for allowing me to share :-)

Acceptance, Serenity, and Powerlessness

The first step toward change is awareness.

The second step is acceptance.

~Nathaniel Branden~

It is, hands down, the most worn out page in my 3rd Edition Big Book...and I keep coming back to this as I revisit the first step. Acceptance is the answer...again and again and again.

"...And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity."

P. 449, Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition

...Ever Reminding Us to Place Principles Before Personalities

“Nothing is given to man on earth - struggle is built into the nature of life, and conflict is possible - the hero is the man who lets no obstacle prevent him from pursuing the values he has chosen.”
~Andrew Bernstein~

I am a fairly easy going and laid back person...and I strive to maintain a positive attitude and demeanor in all of my interactions with people. At times, I fail, and when I do, I always find myself ruminating over the situation to try and pinpoint exactly where I went wrong...which one of my many shortcomings was in play when the situation became difficult? Sometimes I figure it out, usually I find it somewhere between the 12th Tradition of AA and P. 449 of the Big Book.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself struggling with the "Principles Before Personalities" (12th Tradition) concept. People have often heard me say that my philosophy is that we all need to believe in the best intentions of others. I find that, when I am unable to live this idea myself, I become irritable, angry, defensive, and anxious. Lately, I have found myself in that place. Instead of looking for good intention in everyone that I deal with, I begin conversations and interactions wondering what the other person's "angle" will be, and what agenda they are really seeking to serve. The problem for me lies in the fact that I have actually stumbled upon some folks recently that have turned out to be people that were, in fact, guided by selfish and not so pure motives. I completely understand that I should not base my world view on the actions of a handful of individuals, but I have never really gotten the hang of how to keep faith and trust in the goodness of people alive in a world that so often does not seem to support it.

Some people just suck, I think...

...which brings me back to the old page 449 - the most well worn page in my 3rd Edition copy of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes..."

This is such a powerful reading for me. It explains every single negative thought, feeling, and emotion that happens inside of me. It's easy to accept the good stuff. I have no problem accepting nice, honest people or peaceful, pleasant situations. But when I encounter rude, pushy, arrogant, selfish, know-it-all types that are speaking to me or behaving in a condescening or self righteous way, it is SO much harder to get to the place I need to be to find my serenity. I suppose the real peace lies, not in the acceptance of another individual's disrespect, but in the acceptance of my own powerlessness to change any person's behavior or attitude but my own and the acknowledgement of the responsibility that I have in my own recovery and for my own happiness.

There will always be people in the world that do not act from their very best intention...but by placing principles before personalities and encountering every person I meet as though they are, I am able to limit the negativity that threatens to prevent my own best intention from shining through.

God, grant me the serenity...