Coming Out of The [Recovery] Closet

There are many ways up the mountain, but each of us must choose a practice that feels true to his own heart. 

- Jack Kornfield

This month, I will celebrate 10 years in recovery from my addiction to copious amounts of any drug, drink, activity, or person that can change the way I feel and take away the anxieties, insecurities, and other demons that keep me company on a regular basis.  It's a milestone for sure.  The road has not been particularly straight, smooth, or even paved in places.  I've taken a few wrong turns and I've fallen face first into a couple of potholes along the way.  I must say, I have become somewhat proficient at getting up, doctoring up the road rash on my face, and mustering the strength to keep walking...giving a little more careful attention to where I am putting my feet, and the position of the sun.

This week, my employer has been hosting a training workshop for aspiring interventionists - and part of the event has been a morning 12 step meeting each day - operating in the tradition and format laid out by Alcoholics Anonymous.  I attended all but one meeting and found the experience, strength, and hope in the room each and every morning to be nothing short of inspiring and took something profound and life giving away from each and every gathering.

And here is where I come out of the closet:
 
This evening, I met up with part of the group for some ice cream and conversation.  The conversation turned to meetings and the like and someone asked me how often I go to local meetings.  Without a beat, I said "Well, you know...I go to an occasional meeting - but I'm not really a die hard meeting girl."  Needless to say, in a crowd of folks in various stages of recovery, I got some interesting looks.

(Oh, wait...did you think I meant a different closet???)

What???  You don't go to meetings???  What kind of recovery person are you???

So perhaps I should explain further.

It is my belief that there are as many paths to recovery as there are people that need them - and that, while there is a wide range of diversity and compatibility, they all share some very fundamental similarities - recognizing that what we are doing is destroying us and the people we love...finding faith and relationship in a loving and guiding being or energy that is bigger that what we call self...acceptance and letting go...honest examination of the things that cause suffering in our lives and really seeking to know what role we play in creating and prolonging that suffering...and then owning them...taking responsibility for them...and finding freedom from them by making amends where we can, and practicing new ways of thinking and behaving so that our actions/reactions can be different the next time...and, finally, taking advantage of opportunities to share the things we learn along the way with others who may find hope and strength and peace in our experiences.

Sound familiar?  Of course it does...whether you are in (INSERT ADDICTION HERE) Anonymous, or influenced deeply by Eastern philosophies, or a devoutly religious person devoted to any number of versions of God, or an atheist or agnostic who is simply committed to this kind of way of living - and even if you somehow fit all of these...of course it sounds familiar.

Of all of the paths that I believe in...the ones I do not believe in, and will never believe in, are the one way, the right way, and the only way...

The traditional 12 step model has carried me through a lot of recovery, and I still rely so much on it's principles in my life.  Every day starts with an acknowledgement of my absolute need for guidance from the higher power of my understanding and ends with an inventory of my day and an honest look at what could have been different and where I may need to make some amends - along with a profound gratitude that I am going to bed as a completely different individual than I was 10 years ago.  I share my story honestly and often in hopes that each person that hears it will find some hope and strength in my experience.  I go to a meeting from time to time - and I am never sorry that I went...and I always come out with something that I need and leave something that I don't.  Most often, however,  I am committed to spending quiet time in meditation...centering myself...checking in with my heart...connecting with a universal, loving energy...staying present in each and every moment, engaging in "Metta" (loving-kindness) practice - sending prayers of love out for people in my life and for the world we live in...and seeking learning experiences that help me to relate to myself and others with more love, compassion, and integrity.  This is where I find my serenity...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.   It is not always perfect and it may not work for everyone, but it seems to be serving my own recovery well...

I think that the most important thing to remember is this:

Whatever path you are on that best serves and supports your recovery - keep coming back.

It really does work, if you work it.

 

And on that note...

Thank you for allowing me to share :-)

The List

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

8
We made a list of the persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all.
9
We made direct amends to such people whenever possible
except when to do so would injure them or others.

I have a list. Anyone whose life has ever been touched by the disease of addiction has a list. The list that I keep consists primarily of those people and offenses that I remember, however vaguely - but I am certain that there are individuals out there that I am not even aware of whose names should be added. If I got really honest, I could likely fill a novel sized book with situations and events in which someone other than me was hurt, offended, saddened, or otherwise affected during the course of my active addiction.

Early in my recovery, as I tried to burn through the steps in record time, I tried to "do" amends. I made it my mission to try to track down every soul that I was aware of ever hurting so that I could tell them I was sorry and make amends to them in whatever way I needed to. One person after another responded with a mostly lukewarm "That's Nice" or "I'm Happy For You." Some were a little slow to respond, and some never did at all. A handful made it clear that no amend that I could ever make would undo or repair the damage that had already been done. Since that time, I have learned more about amends and what they are supposed to involve. I have accomplished some milestones related to step 9 that I never thought I would be able to accomplish. It has taken great patience and monumental effort, along with deep compassion and forgiveness in most cases - to begin to rebuild some of the relationships that were lost so long ago. But it is the images and memories of that handful of people that stay with me...visiting my dreams and occupying the dark corners of my heart that I only become aware of in my most solitary and silent moments. This is the regret that I carry with me. Some days it feels like it is strengthening me, and others, it seems to be crushing me. But always, it is there...like a boulder that I can't seem to set down.

Every night as I leave my job, I pass under an arch that reads "Let Go and Let God." It is a concept that all in recovery are familiar with, for it is only when we loosen our grasp on trying to control that which we cannot, that a new freedom opens up to us - not surprisingly, we also have to be ready for that freedom in order to really, fully, completely let go and give in to the surrender. Almost on a daily basis, I ask myself what purpose the pain and regret are serving in my life and what it will take to finally be able to loosen my grip on them, turn them over to the care of the universe, and free myself from limitations that they put on my own growth and happiness. Sometimes I think that keeping them with me provides the punishment that I feel I deserve for some of the things that I have done, and sometimes I think holding on to those regrets is my way of keeping those people with me that I cannot bear to think of living the rest of my life without...even though I know in my mind that there is not enough good intention and positive change in the world to restore what those relationships once were to me.

And so, even as I continue to go through the process of righting wrongs, rebuilding that which I destroyed, and marking off my progress with tiny little check marks...I doubt that I will ever be able to completely relinquish the hope that one day the list will be complete.

Until that day, I keep working.

Peace in a New Day

Gonna find peace in a new day, gonna build a better way...
...brick by brick, stone by stone, stick by stick
~Rayn~

There has never been a time in which I wanted a "do over" more than the day that I stood in front of a conservative Texas judge in handcuffs and waited for his decision. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I completely understood that my life was about to be profoundly changed, forever.

And I was right.

When I came home from "camp" (well, okay, it was prison - but it was kind of like camp...with really bad food, no swimming, and very mean camp counselors...heh.), I set my sights very low, and spent a great deal of time wishing I could go back and start over. I thought of all of the things I could have done differently, better, smarter. On a daily basis, I grieved the things and people that I had lost. And I never imagined for one single minute that my life would ever be different. In my own mind, I believed that I had fucked up SO badly that this was the life I deserved...my punishment, penance, atonement. I eventually found a sort of peace in low expectations. I found a job that paid the bills and a quiet, solitary, off the radar life that was often lonely, but always predictable. I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to stop thinking about things I could not undo. Mostly, at all cost, I tried to avoid thoughts of the future...because those seemed to be the emptiest, grayest, coldest thoughts of all.

Until the day that I sat down and took a good hard objective look at myself - through my own eyes, through the eyes the honest and caring people that I had surrounded myself with, and through the factual history of the last several years of my life. All of that searching, evaluating, and challenging in my soul left me with only one possible conclusion:

The penance is done. I am not a bad individual - I made poor choices, and I paid a very high price. I learned. I grew. And I deserve a future...I have worked my ass off for it. I have earned it.

And so my sights aimed higher. A job that brings me joy in addition to income. A place to live where I can feel safe, and free, and peaceful. Forgiveness - most of all from myself.

If you build it, they will come.

I cannot go back and change the past - and I often wonder if it would really even help if I could. But, brick by brick, I am building a different future.

A new start.

And I am awed by the possibilities for a different ending.

Making Room for the Good Stuff

When you let go of the story you tell, a lot of times it creates
a whole world of expansion for other things to come in.
~Sheryl Crow~

I want what I want, when I want it - oh yeah, and have I mentioned that I am somewhat of a control freak?

"Surrender" is a difficult word for me on my very best days. To surrender, in most contexts, means to lose...to give up...to stop fighting...to let it go. I am not one to feel all that comfortable with any of those things, and that can be both good and bad.

Over the past year, I have had the opportunity to travel more than usual, flying here and there to visit family and friends. Ever the meticulous planner, anytime I have a trip, I spend hours checking out the various options on Expedia and Orbitz and all of those other services that promise to make things quick, easy, and painless. I pick my flights, check the times, make certain that I have plenty of time from one flight to the next on layovers...I ALWAYS plan out what seems to me to be an easy, no hassle, stress free trip. I arrive at the airport with plenty of time to go through security, get something to eat, and chill out with a book for a while before boarding the plane. I am in my happy place because I am in control :)

Then it starts to rain...in Pheonix, where my plane is coming from to pick me up on the way to Atlanta...where I have planned for an hour and a half between flights. So, cool. I planned for this. It's all good. Twenty minutes late, no problem. Boarding the plane, finding my seat, realizing that there will be a 2 year old behind me for the next 2 and a half hours. Ugh, no planning for that...but it's ok. Headphones rule. Thirty five minutes later, we are still on the ground. The wind is blowing weird so the pilot has decided that we need more gas. I reassure myself that gassing up is a good thing, I am blessed to be on a flight with a pilot who is as careful of a planner as me and wants to make sure all of the bases are covered. All gassed up, approved for departure....only 6 planes ahead of us on the runway. Touching down in Atlanta, I have a meager 30 minutes to make my connection...tight, but it will be ok. There is another plane at the gate - we must wait for it to move. 20 minutes later, in Terminal B, I ask the desk attendant what gate my new plane is departing from. Terminal T - have you ever seen the Atlanta airport???

My zen has completely disappeared, and I want to scream, fight, and blame every airline employee in Phoenix, Dallas, and Atlanta for the fact that I am not where I need to be...but, since I have no desire to be on the wrong end of airport security or give the airline any reason whatsoever to make my day even more difficult, I suck it up and graciously say thank you when I am informed that I will be able to be on the very next flight in 2 hours. Defeated, I sulk over to the food court to find something with lots of endorphin releasing fat and sugar (translation: a triple shot Espresso Truffle from Starbucks) to ease my wait and bring me back to center...

While drinking my coffee (ok, it is a triple caffeinated hot milkshake...just to be clear) in the crowded terminal, an elderly woman approaches me and asks if the seat next to me is taken. I am a little annoyed, as I am trying to pout by myself, but the annoyance disappears as she talks to me. She is 86 years old and on her way to see, for the first time, her great great grandchild. She is traveling by herself and has experienced many of the same kinds of obstacles and delays in her day as I have. She has photos, and stories, and a MUCH better attitude than me. By the time I reach the plane for the last leg of my trip, my heart is lighter, my zen has returned, and I am actually grateful for this delay.

Sometimes, giving up on something is the only way find the place where your energy is really meant to be. Typically, fighting only serves to make everyone involved just a little more miserable. And letting go of _________ (the blank is totally yours to fill in) is the surest way to free our arms to reach out and embrace the blessings that the universe has for us today.

For control freaks like me, that means planning for the story to change...