Searching and Fearless

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-August Wilson-

Inventories...we all do them at one time or another. We take stock of what is in our pantry before going to the grocery store and we make our list accordingly. Each season we look at our wardrobe to figure out what we have, what we need, what no longer fits, what needs to be discarded or donated, and what might be salvageable or even made almost new with some attention and mending. In business, inventories are designed to give us the information that we need to make decisions and plans for how to move successfully into a thriving future.

An inventory is a fact finding mission. Still, it is easy to get caught up in judgement. Who knows the annoyance associated with going to the grocery store and buying something only to find, as you stuff it into your already full cupboard, that you already have 15 other cans of whatever it is? Ok, well, maybe just me - I am obsessed with always having enough tomato sauce. But I would venture to guess that we have all been through the big closet raid - trying on pants that haven't seen action since Madonna was making bad movies and skinny jeans were the ones you wore when you weren't feeling bloated - and men didn't wear them at all. If you are anything like me, time has taken it's toll and, well, those pants bring up all kinds of feelings and judgements, don't they? Our questionable taste and that extra pound or two (ha!) collide head on with each other to create an epic session of self loathing and shame...do they not?

And so it goes with Step 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. By embarking on this journey, we commit to taking stock of our fears, resentments, indiscretions, and responsibilities. We count specifically and remember in detail the people that we have injured and harmed. We seek out and own our part in the situations and events that have injured and harmed us. It is not an easy task and while it provides many opportunities to judge and berate, it is also ripe with opportunities for growth and compassion towards ourselves. This is the crossroads that step 4 presents to us after the understanding and relief that we find in steps 1, 2, and 3. When all of the unearthing is finished and our findings are laid out in front of us, how will we choose to use the facts that have been revealed? Will we use the information to expand our spirit or diminish it?

It is no coincidence to me that my step 4 work comes about in the spring season...around the same time as Lent. In Christian faiths, Lent is a time of observance for the sacrifice of Christ and preparation for the new hope that is coming through His resurrection. In nature, Spring is a time when the frozen ground of winter thaws into fertile soil ready for new growth and abundance. In both, we sacrifice. We remember. We prepare. We humble ourselves. We dig in the dirt, and analyze the light, the weather, and last year's successes and failures. Instead of getting stuck on what we didn't know last year, we marvel at how what we didn't know last year has taught us the things we need to know this year in order to plant the most amazing garden ever. Likewise, by practicing compassion with ourselves as we work through step 4, we are creating the space, conditions, and light that encourage spectacular new growth inside of our own souls. It is not always easy, and it hardly ever comes naturally - we have to choose it, and work at it to overcome the years of training that have taught us to do just the opposite.

I am not there yet, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth everything that I have to put into it...I have faith.

Nunc ceopi. Now I begin.
What was is past
What will be is hidden in the future
It is only now, this day, this moment, that counts.
Not what I did yesterday, or what I may do tomorrow...
Now I begin.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.

What's In Front of You

What I learned in sobriety is that you don’t have to have courage. You just have to keep doing what’s in front of you. Courage is not necessarily the absence of fear and trepidation. It’s just putting one foot in front of the other... - Meredith Baxter*

Sometimes, I get tired. I lose my reasons. So many people around me hear my story and remark about my strength, courage, determination...and it never quite rings true for me. A short time ago, a friend even said that I am her hero. HERO?? REALLY?? I don't think so. I barely qualify as sane, according to some. But you know, I guess everyone has a different perspective on the concept of hero, so, I suppose I don't really mind the label - as false as it feels in my own soul.

When I think of the word courage, I think of people making choices to act in brave and heroic ways. I think of people standing up for what they believe, and defending others that cannot defend themselves. I think of human beings that face the most difficult circumstances...in situations where there can be no good outcome...with grace and dignity. I think of fearlessness, and strength, and boldness...normal human beings doing extraordinary things with their lives.

My own journey often seems unremarkable, and certainly somewhat less than courageous. I got clean because I had to...there was no other choice. I stayed clean for many years out of fear. I wanted to use every day, but I was terrified of the consequences. The first years of my sobriety involved three things - going to work, going to meetings, and going to sleep. It took a long time to venture beyond that simplicity into being social, being active in a community, and really beginning to build a new life.

Life is more complicated now and the past few months have been really difficult. I have been faced with some choices that have felt unfair, and some situations in which there really didn't seem to be a good outcome. I am doing the best I can with them - and it is really all I can expect of myself, I suppose. I have a bad habit of looking beyond the present and obsessing about things that could happen, or might happen, or probably won't happen (but what if they do!!). I do the same thing with the regrets of the past...ruminating and reliving and punishing myself with thoughts of all of the ways it could have been different - if only I had been better, normal, good. Oh, the things we cannot change. While I am doing this - I lose today, and this moment...which is, as we all know, the only thing we really have.

Its important to be reminded that courage can be defined in many ways and that, sobriety is not a destination...it is a journey taken one step at a time and always focused on the thing that is in front of me today. The past is over, and the future is going to happen with or without my input - but the choices that I make on THIS day are the ones that will prepare me for the ones ahead and whatever they may bring.

My life is anything but big...it is not loud or spectacular or heroic.

But I think, just maybe, I can accept courageous...

*Meredith Baxter is a beloved and iconic television actress. Her warmth, humor, and brilliant smile made her one of the most popular women on television. Meredith finally reveals the woman behind the image in her memoir Untied - available in stores and online now.