Searching and Fearless

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-August Wilson-

Inventories...we all do them at one time or another. We take stock of what is in our pantry before going to the grocery store and we make our list accordingly. Each season we look at our wardrobe to figure out what we have, what we need, what no longer fits, what needs to be discarded or donated, and what might be salvageable or even made almost new with some attention and mending. In business, inventories are designed to give us the information that we need to make decisions and plans for how to move successfully into a thriving future.

An inventory is a fact finding mission. Still, it is easy to get caught up in judgement. Who knows the annoyance associated with going to the grocery store and buying something only to find, as you stuff it into your already full cupboard, that you already have 15 other cans of whatever it is? Ok, well, maybe just me - I am obsessed with always having enough tomato sauce. But I would venture to guess that we have all been through the big closet raid - trying on pants that haven't seen action since Madonna was making bad movies and skinny jeans were the ones you wore when you weren't feeling bloated - and men didn't wear them at all. If you are anything like me, time has taken it's toll and, well, those pants bring up all kinds of feelings and judgements, don't they? Our questionable taste and that extra pound or two (ha!) collide head on with each other to create an epic session of self loathing and shame...do they not?

And so it goes with Step 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. By embarking on this journey, we commit to taking stock of our fears, resentments, indiscretions, and responsibilities. We count specifically and remember in detail the people that we have injured and harmed. We seek out and own our part in the situations and events that have injured and harmed us. It is not an easy task and while it provides many opportunities to judge and berate, it is also ripe with opportunities for growth and compassion towards ourselves. This is the crossroads that step 4 presents to us after the understanding and relief that we find in steps 1, 2, and 3. When all of the unearthing is finished and our findings are laid out in front of us, how will we choose to use the facts that have been revealed? Will we use the information to expand our spirit or diminish it?

It is no coincidence to me that my step 4 work comes about in the spring season...around the same time as Lent. In Christian faiths, Lent is a time of observance for the sacrifice of Christ and preparation for the new hope that is coming through His resurrection. In nature, Spring is a time when the frozen ground of winter thaws into fertile soil ready for new growth and abundance. In both, we sacrifice. We remember. We prepare. We humble ourselves. We dig in the dirt, and analyze the light, the weather, and last year's successes and failures. Instead of getting stuck on what we didn't know last year, we marvel at how what we didn't know last year has taught us the things we need to know this year in order to plant the most amazing garden ever. Likewise, by practicing compassion with ourselves as we work through step 4, we are creating the space, conditions, and light that encourage spectacular new growth inside of our own souls. It is not always easy, and it hardly ever comes naturally - we have to choose it, and work at it to overcome the years of training that have taught us to do just the opposite.

I am not there yet, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth everything that I have to put into it...I have faith.

Nunc ceopi. Now I begin.
What was is past
What will be is hidden in the future
It is only now, this day, this moment, that counts.
Not what I did yesterday, or what I may do tomorrow...
Now I begin.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.

What's In Front of You

What I learned in sobriety is that you don’t have to have courage. You just have to keep doing what’s in front of you. Courage is not necessarily the absence of fear and trepidation. It’s just putting one foot in front of the other... - Meredith Baxter*

Sometimes, I get tired. I lose my reasons. So many people around me hear my story and remark about my strength, courage, determination...and it never quite rings true for me. A short time ago, a friend even said that I am her hero. HERO?? REALLY?? I don't think so. I barely qualify as sane, according to some. But you know, I guess everyone has a different perspective on the concept of hero, so, I suppose I don't really mind the label - as false as it feels in my own soul.

When I think of the word courage, I think of people making choices to act in brave and heroic ways. I think of people standing up for what they believe, and defending others that cannot defend themselves. I think of human beings that face the most difficult circumstances...in situations where there can be no good outcome...with grace and dignity. I think of fearlessness, and strength, and boldness...normal human beings doing extraordinary things with their lives.

My own journey often seems unremarkable, and certainly somewhat less than courageous. I got clean because I had to...there was no other choice. I stayed clean for many years out of fear. I wanted to use every day, but I was terrified of the consequences. The first years of my sobriety involved three things - going to work, going to meetings, and going to sleep. It took a long time to venture beyond that simplicity into being social, being active in a community, and really beginning to build a new life.

Life is more complicated now and the past few months have been really difficult. I have been faced with some choices that have felt unfair, and some situations in which there really didn't seem to be a good outcome. I am doing the best I can with them - and it is really all I can expect of myself, I suppose. I have a bad habit of looking beyond the present and obsessing about things that could happen, or might happen, or probably won't happen (but what if they do!!). I do the same thing with the regrets of the past...ruminating and reliving and punishing myself with thoughts of all of the ways it could have been different - if only I had been better, normal, good. Oh, the things we cannot change. While I am doing this - I lose today, and this moment...which is, as we all know, the only thing we really have.

Its important to be reminded that courage can be defined in many ways and that, sobriety is not a destination...it is a journey taken one step at a time and always focused on the thing that is in front of me today. The past is over, and the future is going to happen with or without my input - but the choices that I make on THIS day are the ones that will prepare me for the ones ahead and whatever they may bring.

My life is anything but big...it is not loud or spectacular or heroic.

But I think, just maybe, I can accept courageous...

*Meredith Baxter is a beloved and iconic television actress. Her warmth, humor, and brilliant smile made her one of the most popular women on television. Meredith finally reveals the woman behind the image in her memoir Untied - available in stores and online now.

When I Remember to Be

"Faith is interesting – when you remember it, and you are in the middle of it – it is really liberating and peaceful – as human beings, our minds can forget really easily what that feels like. People ask me what my tattoo means and if I am 'liberated by faith,' and I have to say, ‘Yes, when I remember to be...’"

-Cathy DeBuono

Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows that I am a sucker for an amazing quote. Of course, I have lots of favorites from philosophers, classic authors, and great lyricists. But then there are the little side notes that I stumble upon, almost accidentally - in the most surprising places, from the most unexpected people...and these are the ones that stick with me and make me think the hardest...the ones that I end up memorizing without even trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I came upon this quote from actress Cathy DeBuono in a 3 year old article that popped up in a google search about a movie that she once starred in. I found the article, which you can read here, on a sports site - a pretty straightforward bio/profile of the collegiate volleyball player turned therapist turned actress and activist. These words were at the end of the piece...and, even as I read them, they cut right to my heart...and have remained there ever since. I am convinced that Google and the universe aligned in that moment, because these words were exactly the ones I needed to find.

I am not really a big fan of the holidays. This time of year seems to spike the level of difficulty in every single area that I struggle with even on my best days...depression, anxiety, addiction, insomnia...every little neurosis just seems to get bigger, sadder, and crazier. I ruminate about the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, and been hurt by, and lost along the way. I start worrying about the future and that I will ever have enough money to retire comfortably or a partner to love or be loved by and how I will go broke and grow old and die alone. I want to medicate. I want to obliterate every thought in my head and feeling in my heart with Xanax, Vicodin, and a bottle of Patron or a few really good, disgustingly dirty martinis. This is the time of year that I lose my faith.

And yes, my human mind does forget what it is like to stand in the middle of the feeling that no matter what is happening today...tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance...and that somehow I am exactly where I need to be in this moment, and the universe always works itself out the way it is supposed to - mostly without my input.

And then out of nowhere, with words on a page from a person that I do not know, I am reminded of every lesson that I have ever learned about choices and personal responsibility. Of course, the intellectual, educated, rehabilitated, 12 step part of me knows that the only control I have over events, situations, and feelings that seem unmanageable is how I choose to react to them. And whatever choices I am making today, I can change tomorrow, or next week, or right now - but I have to choose to do so. When the faith eludes me, I can curse my own faithlessness...or I can seek it out, find out where I laid it down, chase it down, and claim it as my own again. I will not escape the hole that I am in as long as I remain still and afraid - but the tiniest glimmer of hope, joined with purpose and intent, has the power to banish even the darkest of nights and light the path that the universe has all planned out for me. Delivered by faith...when I remember to be.

Deep down, pure, genuine, liberating, faith can never be truly lost. It never really goes away, even though I can't always see it...it never abandons my heart, even though I can't always feel it. It remains in me, even as I grope in the darkness to touch what I can't see...sometimes loud and screaming, and sometimes a voice I can barely discern, telling me that I am not done, that it is not over, and that a new day will always bring a new chance, a new choice, a new change...

Peaceful...Free...Delivered...

In the middle of it...

...When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

I think I have a new mantra...I hope I don't have to pay royalties on it...

Five Simple Rules

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
~Albert Camus~

I don't know who wrote this or where it came from - all I know is that it came to me right on time. It touches me deeply and so I put it here as a reminder to me, and a little food for thought for all of those passing through...

How To Be Happy

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coiled and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait. "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away, just for this time in my life. " She went on to explain, "Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." And with a smile, she said:

"Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less."