Five Simple Rules

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
~Albert Camus~

I don't know who wrote this or where it came from - all I know is that it came to me right on time. It touches me deeply and so I put it here as a reminder to me, and a little food for thought for all of those passing through...

How To Be Happy

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coiled and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait. "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away, just for this time in my life. " She went on to explain, "Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." And with a smile, she said:

"Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less."

Peace in a New Day

Gonna find peace in a new day, gonna build a better way...
...brick by brick, stone by stone, stick by stick
~Rayn~

There has never been a time in which I wanted a "do over" more than the day that I stood in front of a conservative Texas judge in handcuffs and waited for his decision. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I completely understood that my life was about to be profoundly changed, forever.

And I was right.

When I came home from "camp" (well, okay, it was prison - but it was kind of like camp...with really bad food, no swimming, and very mean camp counselors...heh.), I set my sights very low, and spent a great deal of time wishing I could go back and start over. I thought of all of the things I could have done differently, better, smarter. On a daily basis, I grieved the things and people that I had lost. And I never imagined for one single minute that my life would ever be different. In my own mind, I believed that I had fucked up SO badly that this was the life I deserved...my punishment, penance, atonement. I eventually found a sort of peace in low expectations. I found a job that paid the bills and a quiet, solitary, off the radar life that was often lonely, but always predictable. I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to stop thinking about things I could not undo. Mostly, at all cost, I tried to avoid thoughts of the future...because those seemed to be the emptiest, grayest, coldest thoughts of all.

Until the day that I sat down and took a good hard objective look at myself - through my own eyes, through the eyes the honest and caring people that I had surrounded myself with, and through the factual history of the last several years of my life. All of that searching, evaluating, and challenging in my soul left me with only one possible conclusion:

The penance is done. I am not a bad individual - I made poor choices, and I paid a very high price. I learned. I grew. And I deserve a future...I have worked my ass off for it. I have earned it.

And so my sights aimed higher. A job that brings me joy in addition to income. A place to live where I can feel safe, and free, and peaceful. Forgiveness - most of all from myself.

If you build it, they will come.

I cannot go back and change the past - and I often wonder if it would really even help if I could. But, brick by brick, I am building a different future.

A new start.

And I am awed by the possibilities for a different ending.

A Day of Thanksgiving - A Daily Thanksgiving

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

~Henry Ward Beecher

I've said it before, and I will keep saying it...but especially loud today, gratitude is absolutely the cornerstone of my recovery and every good thing that I have in my life. I honestly believe that gratitude is the one single element that keeps me clean, gives me strength and strength of character, and provides me with the ability to love and feel love in my life.

I have decided that my favorite Facebook status of the day is "Just another day to feel thankful." How true is that? I mean, it's cool and all to have a day set aside for food, football, and taking a moment to acknowledge the good in our lives. But what would happen if each and every one of us took that last thing and turned it into a daily habit.? I know this is not a new idea...but with so many tragic things happening around the world - war, scary financial times, suicide bombers, etc., it just seems like a good time to consider the question.

There was a time when I could not feel gratitude at all. I was so focused on my own pain and unhappiness that it was impossible for me to see the good in my life at all. I didn't realize at the time that my inability to see what was good was precisely what kept me in the cycle of pain and unhappiness. Duh. It seems so simple to me now - but at that time, I could not imagine that things would ever change for me. I thought I was doomed to the depths of that pain and anguish for the rest of my life. So I chased every "solution" that was offered to me and eventually found my comfort at the bottom of various bottles...and then I lost everything.

The irony of losing everything is that there is nothing that better clarifies the actual blessings in your life.

Today, I looked at the journal I started when I was in jail. Each day, I would write the thing that I was most grateful for that day...I made a rule for myself that I could not repeat an entry at any time during a week. Here is my entry for Thanksgiving day, 2003:

Soap.

Yes, soap. For those of you...likely most of you...that have not ever had the jail experience, I should just point out that the soap that is provided to you is, umm, less than special. If you want a "premium" soap like Family Dollar brand deoderant soap, you have to purchase it yourself from the jail commissary. And for that, you need money - which many inmates do not have. I had a little money, so I got the premium soap...and on that day, when I had absolutely nothing else, I was so profoundly thankful for that soap, that I had to write it down. When I got out of jail more than a year later, I bought a bottle of Olay Body wash and, when I got in the shower, I thought I was the richest, luckiest, most blessed person on the planet.

And I still think that - and I marvel at my blessings every single day. And I still can't smell Family Dollar brand deodorant soap without thinking of the time when that soap was the best thing I had.

This year has been an amazing year for me - and I directly attribute that to the deep sense of gratitude that I feel for all things good in my life. The more I acknowledge the good, the more profoundly I am blessed with people, opportunities, and experiences that perpetuate strength, love, and happiness in my life. The more I focus on joy and the less I focus on pain...the more joy I find, and the less pain I feel...without therapy, alcohol, or pills. Imagine that. It seems so simple to me now.

So, on this Thanksgiving Day...and every day...here is my list:

Family, friends old and new, Loco the Chihuahua, great music, sobriety, and the opportunity to reconnect. Many of you have stood by me on bad days, contributed to the great days...and all of you have inspired me to dream bigger. I make every effort to tell you often how much you mean in my life. If I haven't said it lately, slap me. I love you all. A side note about Facebook and Social Networking: I have reconnected, via this amazing internet, with a few people that I never thought I would see or hear from again. You know who you are :) Thank you for taking the time to see who I am today and for giving me the opportunity to learn from you once again.

And on that note...

I am going to eat some pecan pie....and I fucking LOVE pecan pie!!

Happy Thanksgiving...every day :)

Making Room for the Good Stuff

When you let go of the story you tell, a lot of times it creates
a whole world of expansion for other things to come in.
~Sheryl Crow~

I want what I want, when I want it - oh yeah, and have I mentioned that I am somewhat of a control freak?

"Surrender" is a difficult word for me on my very best days. To surrender, in most contexts, means to lose...to give up...to stop fighting...to let it go. I am not one to feel all that comfortable with any of those things, and that can be both good and bad.

Over the past year, I have had the opportunity to travel more than usual, flying here and there to visit family and friends. Ever the meticulous planner, anytime I have a trip, I spend hours checking out the various options on Expedia and Orbitz and all of those other services that promise to make things quick, easy, and painless. I pick my flights, check the times, make certain that I have plenty of time from one flight to the next on layovers...I ALWAYS plan out what seems to me to be an easy, no hassle, stress free trip. I arrive at the airport with plenty of time to go through security, get something to eat, and chill out with a book for a while before boarding the plane. I am in my happy place because I am in control :)

Then it starts to rain...in Pheonix, where my plane is coming from to pick me up on the way to Atlanta...where I have planned for an hour and a half between flights. So, cool. I planned for this. It's all good. Twenty minutes late, no problem. Boarding the plane, finding my seat, realizing that there will be a 2 year old behind me for the next 2 and a half hours. Ugh, no planning for that...but it's ok. Headphones rule. Thirty five minutes later, we are still on the ground. The wind is blowing weird so the pilot has decided that we need more gas. I reassure myself that gassing up is a good thing, I am blessed to be on a flight with a pilot who is as careful of a planner as me and wants to make sure all of the bases are covered. All gassed up, approved for departure....only 6 planes ahead of us on the runway. Touching down in Atlanta, I have a meager 30 minutes to make my connection...tight, but it will be ok. There is another plane at the gate - we must wait for it to move. 20 minutes later, in Terminal B, I ask the desk attendant what gate my new plane is departing from. Terminal T - have you ever seen the Atlanta airport???

My zen has completely disappeared, and I want to scream, fight, and blame every airline employee in Phoenix, Dallas, and Atlanta for the fact that I am not where I need to be...but, since I have no desire to be on the wrong end of airport security or give the airline any reason whatsoever to make my day even more difficult, I suck it up and graciously say thank you when I am informed that I will be able to be on the very next flight in 2 hours. Defeated, I sulk over to the food court to find something with lots of endorphin releasing fat and sugar (translation: a triple shot Espresso Truffle from Starbucks) to ease my wait and bring me back to center...

While drinking my coffee (ok, it is a triple caffeinated hot milkshake...just to be clear) in the crowded terminal, an elderly woman approaches me and asks if the seat next to me is taken. I am a little annoyed, as I am trying to pout by myself, but the annoyance disappears as she talks to me. She is 86 years old and on her way to see, for the first time, her great great grandchild. She is traveling by herself and has experienced many of the same kinds of obstacles and delays in her day as I have. She has photos, and stories, and a MUCH better attitude than me. By the time I reach the plane for the last leg of my trip, my heart is lighter, my zen has returned, and I am actually grateful for this delay.

Sometimes, giving up on something is the only way find the place where your energy is really meant to be. Typically, fighting only serves to make everyone involved just a little more miserable. And letting go of _________ (the blank is totally yours to fill in) is the surest way to free our arms to reach out and embrace the blessings that the universe has for us today.

For control freaks like me, that means planning for the story to change...

No Time Like the Present

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown

Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have a ton of regrets. When I get still, and think about the various ways in which my addiction has affected me and the people that were around me when I was using, I fear the grief will just swallow me up. The understanding that my behavior caused other people great pain in their lives...so much so that it became unforgivable...is, perhaps, the most excruciating thing in my own. There is nothing in my past that I wish to relive, but there are plenty of things that I wish I could do over, do differently, do better.

To avoid the pain that past regrets bring forth, I spend a great deal of time trying to occupy my thoughts with other things. For the past couple of years, I have been trying to make plans for a different future. I have dreamed of drastic changes, far away places, and a life far removed from reminders of such painful times. My plans are beginning to fall into place, and it is both exciting and scary at the same time. My emotions range from being barely able to stand the waiting and being paralyzed by the terror of failing...and failing alone. The former creates a deep seated discontent in my soul, and the latter...well, I have been talking myself out of a lot of panic attacks lately.

The problem with placing myself too far, or too often, into the past or the future is that it causes me to lose sight of today and miss out on the joys of the present. Even on bad days, there are priceless moments that make me smile, make me think, and allow me to fully immerse myself in the gratitude I feel just for waking up on the top side of the dirt on that day. I can't change anything that has happened in the past, and the future is uncertain for everyone - no one absolutely knows that tomorrow will actually happen. But in this day, and this moment...one day, hour, moment, second at a time...I can make a right choice, and then another - with the understanding that if I put enough of those together, the future can't help but work out...and just maybe, eventually, the right choices I make right now will become greater than the wrong choices I made when I was using...and that will somehow make its way to the people that I need too see it. Stranger things have happened...

There really is no time like the present...

Just a Tiny Speck...

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves.
It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be.”
~Ralph W. Sockman~

Humility and Gratitude comprise the foundation on which my recovery stands. While they are separate concepts, you really can't have one without the other if you truly understand the meaning of each.

It took some time for me to fully grasp the concept of humility and to be able to apply that to my own life. I have always struggled with low self esteem and a negative self image. When I first started out in recovery, I often mistook those attitudes for humility, thinking that the less I thought of myself, the more I was humbling myself. Consequently, I ended up beating up on myself and harshly judging myself for every mistake that I made and every flaw that I perceived in myself. As a result, I often found myself swallowed up in feelings of regret, guilt, and depression. These feelings would often render me completely hopeless - and send me back to the desire to escape from my own "badness" - a desire that was one of the driving forces of my addiction to begin with.

Humility is NOT the same as self degradation. It is not about feeling like we are not as good as other people, but about realizing that we are not profoundly different from them either. On our best days, we are still flawed, and on our worst days we are not nearly as bad as we often believe. Humility is about finding the place where we can acknowledge our genuine selves with all of our scars, bruises, and other imperfections and also find an understanding of the roles we play each one of them. It is about truly "getting" that the profound list of blessings in our lives are truly the manifestation of a higher power at work and cannot be accounted for by anything that we have done or not done on our own. I can still remember the exact moment in which I TRULY felt a sense of humility in my recovery. I was at a meeting when I really understood for the first time that the ONLY difference between me, as I walked to the front of the room to receive my 3 year chip, and the newcomer walking to the front of the room to receive his desire chip was that I had simply been doing it longer. To this day, while I am proud of the years of sobriety that I have achieved, I never allow myself to get too far from that understanding.

Today I find that the more I understand that I do not have all of the answers, the easier it becomes to find them. When I acknowledge that I did not get to where I am by myself, I become more compassionate with myself and with other people that I encounter. The more I reach out from a heart that is open to feedback, the more I find myself surrounded by people that help me to move to the next level, and the next, and the next. The more I subscribe to the idea that I am just a tiny speck in a vast and infinite world, the more meaningful I feel within my own little part of it.

The more I humble myself, the deeper my gratitude becomes.

And that is my strength...

Feeling It

"What's baffling when you are on the ground makes sense when you can begin to rise above it."
-Wally Lamb

I used to refer to hydrocodone as "the love of my life" because it was the only thing I felt like I could count on to get me through the night...and the day...and everything in between. I didn't realize the abuses that I was suffering at the hands of this lover until it was almost too late. When I was in treatment and the fog started to lift, all emotion seemed very sensitive and painful - much like when the blood starts flowing again through a limb that has fallen asleep and the sensation is almost unbearable for a brief time. I had to learn to breath through it, cry through it, write through it, talk through it - whatever was necessary to move me through it without taking a pill. It is always temporary, and there is peace on the other side of it. I have also learned, over time, that the way I talk to myself is key. "I can't take this" has turned into "this is going to be ok, I just have to wait it out." "I can't do this" has turned into "This is nothing, I have done WAY harder than this."

I have been clean now for 6 years - I have bad days...but they are the exception rather than the rule. Once, I believed that "feeling good" meant feeling nothing. Today I know a very different kind of feeling good. You may not feel pain when you are numb - but by definition, you will not feel joy either. Frankly, I would rather have both than neither.