Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Things We Cannot Change

I open my lungs
To breathe in forgiveness and love
Haunting me now
Reminders of how I used to be...

...Tell me how to make right
All the wrong turns that I've learned
So this can all end tonight...

-Chris Daughtry



I began this draft several months ago as I struggled with the deep sense of regret that happens when I think about the casualties of my self destruction and the bridges that burned in the fires of my addiction. Every time I typed a line into the blank field, I could feel my lungs closing up and that way too familiar feeling of tears that I cannot bear...and cannot stop. It never ceases to astound me how deeply the pain runs - even today...with so much time, and so much change. And as the pain comes, and the breath goes, and the tears fall...sometimes it feels like I can't survive it.

Every day, I pray for serenity, and acceptance, and courage, and wisdom.

To accept the things I cannot change. The people that I cannot un-hurt. The trust that I cannot un-destroy.

Recently, I saw the movie Crazy Heart. It was a difficult movie in many ways...was very real and very easy to identify with this human hero who had fallen so far, lost so much, and couldn't manage to find rock bottom without dragging innocent bystanders along with him. Certainly, the scenes that depicted this character in a drunken stupor, or sick, or hungover, were hard to watch. There were moments that I had to look away, but it was just a vague sadness in me. And then he found the bottom, and he hurt the one he cared about the most...perhaps the only person left that really and truly cared about him. He shattered the trust. In his quest to undo it, he found a reason to move forward, find help, do the right thing. He found new hope because he needed her. And when he went to her, she told him that she was glad he was better, glad he'd found peace, glad to see him looking well - and then she closed the door.

And I could feel my lungs closing up and that way too familiar feeling of the tears that I cannot bear...and cannot stop. The times I have heard that door slam just a little harder than necessary. No matter how many right steps I take now. The things I cannot change.

If I could I would. I would go through all of the pain of the past, all of the fear, and tears, to change one minute of hurt that my behavior caused someone else. I would give anything to have just one moment back when I had the thought that maybe I should go to treatment...just one moment to say it out loud. There are so many moments that I would take back in a heartbeat, just to do them differently. Just to avoid hearing that door slam one more time. It will never happen. I will never have that.

But what I do have are moments of unexpected grace. Undeserved by definition.

And it is in these moments, with the complete understanding of the things that I will never be able to change, that my sense of gratitude for the courage to change the things I can is at it's most powerful.
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Friday, February 19, 2010

You Are Not Done

If you haven't failed, you haven't lived.
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Monday, January 25, 2010

...Ever Reminding Us to Place Principles Before Personalities

“Nothing is given to man on earth - struggle is built into the nature of life, and conflict is possible - the hero is the man who lets no obstacle prevent him from pursuing the values he has chosen.”
~Andrew Bernstein~



I am a fairly easy going and laid back person...and I strive to maintain a positive attitude and demeanor in all of my interactions with people. At times, I fail, and when I do, I always find myself ruminating over the situation to try and pinpoint exactly where I went wrong...which one of my many shortcomings was in play when the situation became difficult? Sometimes I figure it out, usually I find it somewhere between the 12th Tradition of AA and P. 449 of the Big Book.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself struggling with the "Principles Before Personalities" (12th Tradition) concept. People have often heard me say that my philosophy is that we all need to believe in the best intentions of others. I find that, when I am unable to live this idea myself, I become irritable, angry, defensive, and anxious. Lately, I have found myself in that place. Instead of looking for good intention in everyone that I deal with, I begin conversations and interactions wondering what the other person's "angle" will be, and what agenda they are really seeking to serve. The problem for me lies in the fact that I have actually stumbled upon some folks recently that have turned out to be people that were, in fact, guided by selfish and not so pure motives. I completely understand that I should not base my world view on the actions of a handful of individuals, but I have never really gotten the hang of how to keep faith and trust in the goodness of people alive in a world that so often does not seem to support it.

Some people just suck, I think...

...which brings me back to the old page 449 - the most well worn page in my 3rd Edition copy of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes..."

This is such a powerful reading for me. It explains every single negative thought, feeling, and emotion that happens inside of me. It's easy to accept the good stuff. I have no problem accepting nice, honest people or peaceful, pleasant situations. But when I encounter rude, pushy, arrogant, selfish, know-it-all types that are speaking to me or behaving in a condescening or self righteous way, it is SO much harder to get to the place I need to be to find my serenity. I suppose the real peace lies, not in the acceptance of another individual's disrespect, but in the acceptance of my own powerlessness to change any person's behavior or attitude but my own and the acknowledgement of the responsibility that I have in my own recovery and for my own happiness.

There will always be people in the world that do not act from their very best intention...but by placing principles before personalities and encountering every person I meet as though they are, I am able to limit the negativity that threatens to prevent my own best intention from shining through.

God, grant me the serenity...
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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Taking Off the Masks: A Look Back at 2009

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be
done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through
the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential.
~Ellen Goodman~

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each
new year find you a better man.
~Benjamin Franklin~


I don't even know quite how to begin looking back at 2009. It was a year of so many surprises, opportunities, first steps, giant leaps, and downright freefalls and I have been continuously challenged - finding growth in rising up to meet various opponents. This year, I have taken risks beyond what I ever could have imagined that I would - and created expectations within my world that I never could have dreamed would be met...and I have encountered the most amazing and inspiring people along the way.

I have to say that the highlight of the year for me has to be the cruise that I went on in November. I am not a traveler for the most part...but I have always dreamed of visiting other places. The particular tour that I chose gave me the incredible opportunity to fulfill that dream, and to make a difference in other parts of the world by participating in local volunteer activities at the same time. It is such a profound concept. I saw sunrises over the ocean, and sunsets in 3 different countries that took my breath away. I got kissed by a dolphin, rode a horse on a Mexican beach, and left my mark in the pediatric ward of a Belizean hospital by helping to paint cartoon character murals on the walls for the young patients to enjoy.

This cruise was so important to me on a number of levels and quickly became a representative symbol of an internal journey that had been taking place for me since very early in the year. When I boarded that ship, I literally left behind everything remotely familiar and entered a world which I knew nothing about and where I was completely unknown. My own anonymity and the knowledge that my interaction with this particular universe was for just one week in time was such an incredible gift. It allowed me to spend time discovering my real self - the self that lies underneath the masks that I wear to fit into my life and to experience, without fear, how THAT self could relate to the people around me. The only disruption to the peace I felt seemed to be a fairly intense level of "politicking" going on at the corporate level among the staff of the travel group - and it somehow cast an air of cliquishness and exclusivity among some of the passengers that put me off a little. One particular moment stands out as I noted some of the higher level staff pointing around and whispering among themselves...and it took me back to a definite "mean girl high school" moment. Even that, however, provided a significant opportunity for self examination and growth in my own heart. Overall, the cruise was an incredible experience that brought about a definite shift in the state of my soul - and as we arrived back in the states I realized that I was done with the masks...there is simply no longer a need.

Weeks later, after much dreaming, planning, saving, and anticipating, I packed my car and moved 700 miles away - again, away from all things familiar and secure and into a world that is unknown to me...and in which I am unknown. It is a new start for me...the darkness of my past making way to a future that I am uncertain about, but that is full of possibility. With everyone I hold dear safe and sound in my heart, I begin a new story.

The pencil is sharp, and a blank page stares at me as I formulate my opening statement:

Chapter One...
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Monday, December 28, 2009

Five Simple Rules

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
~Albert Camus~


I don't know who wrote this or where it came from - all I know is that it came to me right on time. It touches me deeply and so I put it here as a reminder to me, and a little food for thought for all of those passing through...

How To Be Happy

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coiled and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait. "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away, just for this time in my life. " She went on to explain, "Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." And with a smile, she said:

"Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less."
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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Peace in a New Day

Gonna find peace in a new day, gonna build a better way...
...brick by brick, stone by stone, stick by stick
~Rayn~

There has never been a time in which I wanted a "do over" more than the day that I stood in front of a conservative Texas judge in handcuffs and waited for his decision. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I completely understood that my life was about to be profoundly changed, forever.

And I was right.

When I came home from "camp" (well, okay, it was prison - but it was kind of like camp...with really bad food, no swimming, and very mean camp counselors...heh.), I set my sights very low, and spent a great deal of time wishing I could go back and start over. I thought of all of the things I could have done differently, better, smarter. On a daily basis, I grieved the things and people that I had lost. And I never imagined for one single minute that my life would ever be different. In my own mind, I believed that I had fucked up SO badly that this was the life I deserved...my punishment, penance, atonement. I eventually found a sort of peace in low expectations. I found a job that paid the bills and a quiet, solitary, off the radar life that was often lonely, but always predictable. I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to stop thinking about things I could not undo. Mostly, at all cost, I tried to avoid thoughts of the future...because those seemed to be the emptiest, grayest, coldest thoughts of all.

Until the day that I sat down and took a good hard objective look at myself - through my own eyes, through the eyes the honest and caring people that I had surrounded myself with, and through the factual history of the last several years of my life. All of that searching, evaluating, and challenging in my soul left me with only one possible conclusion:

The penance is done. I am not a bad individual - I made poor choices, and I paid a very high price. I learned. I grew. And I deserve a future...I have worked my ass off for it. I have earned it.

And so my sights aimed higher. A job that brings me joy in addition to income. A place to live where I can feel safe, and free, and peaceful. Forgiveness - most of all from myself.

If you build it, they will come.

I cannot go back and change the past - and I often wonder if it would really even help if I could. But, brick by brick, I am building a different future.

A new start.

And I am awed by the possibilities for a different ending.
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Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Day of Thanksgiving - A Daily Thanksgiving

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
~Henry Ward Beecher


I've said it before, and I will keep saying it...but especially loud today, gratitude is absolutely the cornerstone of my recovery and every good thing that I have in my life. I honestly believe that gratitude is the one single element that keeps me clean, gives me strength and strength of character, and provides me with the ability to love and feel love in my life.

I have decided that my favorite Facebook status of the day is "Just another day to feel thankful." How true is that? I mean, it's cool and all to have a day set aside for food, football, and taking a moment to acknowledge the good in our lives. But what would happen if each and every one of us took that last thing and turned it into a daily habit.? I know this is not a new idea...but with so many tragic things happening around the world - war, scary financial times, suicide bombers, etc., it just seems like a good time to consider the question.

There was a time when I could not feel gratitude at all. I was so focused on my own pain and unhappiness that it was impossible for me to see the good in my life at all. I didn't realize at the time that my inability to see what was good was precisely what kept me in the cycle of pain and unhappiness. Duh. It seems so simple to me now - but at that time, I could not imagine that things would ever change for me. I thought I was doomed to the depths of that pain and anguish for the rest of my life. So I chased every "solution" that was offered to me and eventually found my comfort at the bottom of various bottles...and then I lost everything.

The irony of losing everything is that there is nothing that better clarifies the actual blessings in your life.

Today, I looked at the journal I started when I was in jail. Each day, I would write the thing that I was most grateful for that day...I made a rule for myself that I could not repeat an entry at any time during a week. Here is my entry for Thanksgiving day, 2003:

Soap.

Yes, soap. For those of you...likely most of you...that have not ever had the jail experience, I should just point out that the soap that is provided to you is, umm, less than special. If you want a "premium" soap like Family Dollar brand deoderant soap, you have to purchase it yourself from the jail commissary. And for that, you need money - which many inmates do not have. I had a little money, so I got the premium soap...and on that day, when I had absolutely nothing else, I was so profoundly thankful for that soap, that I had to write it down. When I got out of jail more than a year later, I bought a bottle of Olay Body wash and, when I got in the shower, I thought I was the richest, luckiest, most blessed person on the planet.

And I still think that - and I marvel at my blessings every single day. And I still can't smell Family Dollar brand deodorant soap without thinking of the time when that soap was the best thing I had.

This year has been an amazing year for me - and I directly attribute that to the deep sense of gratitude that I feel for all things good in my life. The more I acknowledge the good, the more profoundly I am blessed with people, opportunities, and experiences that perpetuate strength, love, and happiness in my life. The more I focus on joy and the less I focus on pain...the more joy I find, and the less pain I feel...without therapy, alcohol, or pills. Imagine that. It seems so simple to me now.

So, on this Thanksgiving Day...and every day...here is my list:

Family, friends old and new, Loco the Chihuahua, great music, sobriety, and the opportunity to reconnect. Many of you have stood by me on bad days, contributed to the great days...and all of you have inspired me to dream bigger. I make every effort to tell you often how much you mean in my life. If I haven't said it lately, slap me. I love you all. A side note about Facebook and Social Networking: I have reconnected, via this amazing internet, with a few people that I never thought I would see or hear from again. You know who you are :) Thank you for taking the time to see who I am today and for giving me the opportunity to learn from you once again.

And on that note...

I am going to eat some pecan pie....and I fucking LOVE pecan pie!!

Happy Thanksgiving...every day :)
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