Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop...

I used to believe that my life was just something that happened to me, and that I really didn't have much say. I did the things I was supposed to do...mostly. No one really had to discourage any of my crazy dreams, because I was really good at doing that for myself. The past several years have been comprised of doing what I have had to do to get by. Don't get me wrong, getting by is a good thing...it's an awesome thing...and more than I have ever really expected to be able to do. But over the past year or so, things have changed for me. Suddenly, it doesn't seem to be enough anymore - getting by. Perhaps the biggest change has been that, rather than sit around and think about how things just don't seem right, I have actually taken positive steps to move forward... and to consider some of my dreams as real possibilities.

This change in perspective has actually made some very real differences for me. In the same way that I used to be able to really discourage myself, I am finding that I can motivate myself as well. Rather than relying on other people to validate what is real, possible, and true for me - I am becoming more trusting of my own thoughts and opinions. I am taking chances and offering my hopes up to my Higher Power - and truly letting go and practicing patience and acceptance while things work themselves out. It is just amazing to me how my changing the way I interact with myself changes the way the world interacts with me.

Last week, something really cool happened for me...something that I have hoped for, worked toward, and outright asked for - and yet, it was a surprise when it actually became real - and it still feels kind of like I have that little "when is the OTHER shoe going to drop" voice whispering in the back of my mind somewhere. Historically, I have looked for reasons that these kinds of things just don't happen for me, that people just can't like me if I am my honest self around them, and that I would never really have anything to offer - and through that perspective - I never really failed to make all of those things true...the old self fulfilling prophecy concept. A few days ago, I was on the phone listening to someone say some really cool things about me to me...and I was having a really hard time hearing them - I don't know why I am like that - but I am really working on it...and I think part of my changing perspective on myself and the world has to do with learning to shut up and just listen...and then to believe, as hard as it sometimes is.

And then there's this - Sometimes, it just is what it is...

...there's not always another shoe.

Finding It On the Inside...

I've been clean for more than 5 years now. For many cancers, a remission of 5 years is viewed by the medical establishment as a cure. Many days, I think maybe that should be true for me - then others....well, I am pretty sure that one would still be too many, and that a thousand will never be enough.

The last 5 years have brought so many changes in my heart. Things and people that I once thought I would never be able to live without have fallen to the wayside, and, as the distance has grown between myself and them, I have been able to see so much more clearly how damaging - or at least unhelpful - many of them were to my life. And yet, living apart from them has required strength that I would never have believed that I possessed had I not been forced to reach so deeply inside of myself to find it.

Recently, I was writing an email to one of my new friends - a musician that I met last year in Dallas. I read a blog that she wrote in which she shared some details about how extremely difficult things have been for her lately. As I was thinking of things that I could say to encourage her, I started to think about the fact that many times in life, our greatest moments of courage, creativity, compassion, and growth are so often borne of the kind of pain that gives us no choice but to stare deeply into our own broken, bleeding souls and either accept what is staring back at us or commit to changing it. My addiction has been that pain for me - and the last 5 years have been made up of so much healing, so many instances of forcing myself to leave my comfort zone, so many AHA moments that come from facing my insecurities head on, rather than trying to bury them in a haze of pills and Jeagermeister.

I still struggle with old demons from time to time, but am better equipped to understand and have more compassion for myself than ever before because I have been forced to look inside and to understand what is inside of me, who I am, what made me broken, and what brought me back to life...

Through the lens of gratitude, the demons always seem smaller and less threatening...and, just for today, that is enough.

Thanks for letting me share:)