Today is a very different thing for me than yesterday was. I don't really go out of my way to avoid all of the people and places that were important to me in my addiction. I don't have to, really - mostly they have just sort of fallen to the wayside on their own. Different interests have led to different lives...for me anyway. And the brutal truth is, as important as some of that stuff was to me...I was totally and completely disposable in that world - I was just too high to realize it at the time.
Last night, I had the opportunity to visit a new hangout to see a band that I really like. I've been hearing really cool things about the place, sort of a neighborhood bar and grill where folks can meet up, hear some music, grab a bite, etc... I knew that I would likely run into some folks that I know from back in the day - but you know, so much time has passed and I knew that I was with a group of new friends that know who I really am and have never seen or met that stranger that I was 6 years ago. I really didn't count on having any kind of strong reaction at all and, frankly, was kind of excited about seeing some of those folks again.
I was wrong. The new place is the old place in "Cheers" drag. The name is different, but the faces are all the same. The cliques and judgements and exclusiveness are still there. I had a hugely surreal moment when I was standing outside talking with the band's singer, and the booking person from the bar - who I have known for years, but not seen in a good while - came outside and interrupted me, basically taking over the converstation. It was like I was completely invisible, even when I said hello and tried to chat with her. I am talking not even a glance. When the singer went inside, and one of my friends came over to say hello - a conversation happened between she and this person as well... still, I was completely invisible....completely. And it bothered me alot. I spent the better part of my late twenties and early thirties supporting this woman's music...not even a glance. Other people I knew were there too, and all the same...not quite as obvious...just giving me the same looks of disdain they have always had for people that were not part of "them."
When I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about the past, and it was really hard. I have a new life now. The lies are in the past, and I live so completely honestly now that sometimes I think it is probably really annoying to people. I have new friends, and I am not disposable to them...and sometimes that is hard for me to wrap my head around - the idea that I am valuable. It is such a dark place for me, the past. I spent so much time feeling like I could not do anything to be good enough in the world, but trying to make myself up as I went along into something that was. I hate that place, and I hate even getting a glimpse of it.
So now I know how the concept of staying away from old people, places, and things applies to me...even though I never really thought it did (you know, we're always try to be the exception - it's an addict thing).
Think I'll stick what's new, really new.
Last night, I had the opportunity to visit a new hangout to see a band that I really like. I've been hearing really cool things about the place, sort of a neighborhood bar and grill where folks can meet up, hear some music, grab a bite, etc... I knew that I would likely run into some folks that I know from back in the day - but you know, so much time has passed and I knew that I was with a group of new friends that know who I really am and have never seen or met that stranger that I was 6 years ago. I really didn't count on having any kind of strong reaction at all and, frankly, was kind of excited about seeing some of those folks again.
I was wrong. The new place is the old place in "Cheers" drag. The name is different, but the faces are all the same. The cliques and judgements and exclusiveness are still there. I had a hugely surreal moment when I was standing outside talking with the band's singer, and the booking person from the bar - who I have known for years, but not seen in a good while - came outside and interrupted me, basically taking over the converstation. It was like I was completely invisible, even when I said hello and tried to chat with her. I am talking not even a glance. When the singer went inside, and one of my friends came over to say hello - a conversation happened between she and this person as well... still, I was completely invisible....completely. And it bothered me alot. I spent the better part of my late twenties and early thirties supporting this woman's music...not even a glance. Other people I knew were there too, and all the same...not quite as obvious...just giving me the same looks of disdain they have always had for people that were not part of "them."
When I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about the past, and it was really hard. I have a new life now. The lies are in the past, and I live so completely honestly now that sometimes I think it is probably really annoying to people. I have new friends, and I am not disposable to them...and sometimes that is hard for me to wrap my head around - the idea that I am valuable. It is such a dark place for me, the past. I spent so much time feeling like I could not do anything to be good enough in the world, but trying to make myself up as I went along into something that was. I hate that place, and I hate even getting a glimpse of it.
So now I know how the concept of staying away from old people, places, and things applies to me...even though I never really thought it did (you know, we're always try to be the exception - it's an addict thing).
Think I'll stick what's new, really new.
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