When I Remember to Be

"Faith is interesting – when you remember it, and you are in the middle of it – it is really liberating and peaceful – as human beings, our minds can forget really easily what that feels like. People ask me what my tattoo means and if I am 'liberated by faith,' and I have to say, ‘Yes, when I remember to be...’"

-Cathy DeBuono

Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows that I am a sucker for an amazing quote. Of course, I have lots of favorites from philosophers, classic authors, and great lyricists. But then there are the little side notes that I stumble upon, almost accidentally - in the most surprising places, from the most unexpected people...and these are the ones that stick with me and make me think the hardest...the ones that I end up memorizing without even trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I came upon this quote from actress Cathy DeBuono in a 3 year old article that popped up in a google search about a movie that she once starred in. I found the article, which you can read here, on a sports site - a pretty straightforward bio/profile of the collegiate volleyball player turned therapist turned actress and activist. These words were at the end of the piece...and, even as I read them, they cut right to my heart...and have remained there ever since. I am convinced that Google and the universe aligned in that moment, because these words were exactly the ones I needed to find.

I am not really a big fan of the holidays. This time of year seems to spike the level of difficulty in every single area that I struggle with even on my best days...depression, anxiety, addiction, insomnia...every little neurosis just seems to get bigger, sadder, and crazier. I ruminate about the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, and been hurt by, and lost along the way. I start worrying about the future and that I will ever have enough money to retire comfortably or a partner to love or be loved by and how I will go broke and grow old and die alone. I want to medicate. I want to obliterate every thought in my head and feeling in my heart with Xanax, Vicodin, and a bottle of Patron or a few really good, disgustingly dirty martinis. This is the time of year that I lose my faith.

And yes, my human mind does forget what it is like to stand in the middle of the feeling that no matter what is happening today...tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance...and that somehow I am exactly where I need to be in this moment, and the universe always works itself out the way it is supposed to - mostly without my input.

And then out of nowhere, with words on a page from a person that I do not know, I am reminded of every lesson that I have ever learned about choices and personal responsibility. Of course, the intellectual, educated, rehabilitated, 12 step part of me knows that the only control I have over events, situations, and feelings that seem unmanageable is how I choose to react to them. And whatever choices I am making today, I can change tomorrow, or next week, or right now - but I have to choose to do so. When the faith eludes me, I can curse my own faithlessness...or I can seek it out, find out where I laid it down, chase it down, and claim it as my own again. I will not escape the hole that I am in as long as I remain still and afraid - but the tiniest glimmer of hope, joined with purpose and intent, has the power to banish even the darkest of nights and light the path that the universe has all planned out for me. Delivered by faith...when I remember to be.

Deep down, pure, genuine, liberating, faith can never be truly lost. It never really goes away, even though I can't always see it...it never abandons my heart, even though I can't always feel it. It remains in me, even as I grope in the darkness to touch what I can't see...sometimes loud and screaming, and sometimes a voice I can barely discern, telling me that I am not done, that it is not over, and that a new day will always bring a new chance, a new choice, a new change...

Peaceful...Free...Delivered...

In the middle of it...

...When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

---When I remember to be.

I think I have a new mantra...I hope I don't have to pay royalties on it...

The Fable of the Porcupine

Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. - Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.