Great Friends

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not
the same river and he's not the same man.
-Heraclitus

I came to the realization fairly early in my process that recovery is not just about reading a book or going to a meeting. It is a way of life that keeps evolving - and sometimes it's a little hard for me to keep up. 10 years ago, I was so clinically depressed that I was on disability, going to therapy every day, taking a cabinet full of medication, and just sort of wandering my way from place to place with no real direction. My personality was completely trapped by my emotions and my self esteem was completely non-existent. I always felt like I was not as smart, talented, funny, or cool as my friends. I always felt like they were doing me a huge favor just to remember my name. Seriously, I know that seems extreme...but it is absolutely true. It set me up to really be emotionally abused by a lot of people - because I just felt so desperate to be liked, accepted, and valued that I was willing to do absolutely anything for it. Many years and life changing events later, my life is SO different now. Looking back at that time in my life feels so weird - because it is like I am just looking at a completely different human being. It's just that, sometimes, I feel like have not quite grown into this new life and the new person that I am.

For a long time after I got clean, I really limited the people that I interacted with to a very few longtime friends. I didn't really see myself as ready to relate with the world and knew I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could really allow others to be a part of my journey. I'm really a very shy person anyway, so the idea of meeting new people and integrating them into a life that I was trying to keep numbingly simple, was kind of overwhelming. But the universe always seems to know best, and in the last couple of years, I have begun to meet so many new and surprising people that bring so much joy into my life - even the old relationships that have been built over years seem to feel new and different. For the first time, I don't feel like I have to change myself according to who I am talking to today, or this hour, or this moment. I haven't quite gotten used to the feeling of not having to bribe, coerce, or guilt someone into being my friend. It still feels weird to me when someone says, "I think you are smart" or "You are funny"...and I sometimes still find myself thinking the old "they don't mean that" kind of thoughts and I hate that. I try really hard to just take what they are saying at face value as the truth, without trying to force it through the filters of my own self doubt. Somehow, in spite of myself and my own internal craziness, I have managed to draw into my life the most amazing, honest, genuine, and totally cool circle of friends. They make my sometimes complicated life more peaceful, more interesting, and more joyful.

I don't really know that I deserve them, but I am awfully glad that I have them...and my gratitude just keeps growing...

Thanks for letting me share :)