Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
~Harvey Fierstein~
If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.
~Johann von Goethe~
Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
~Harvey Fierstein~
~Johann von Goethe~
If you were hated because of who you are, would you change yourself to fit in? Could you change yourself to fit in - or would it just be a big game of pretend? How long could you go on with the charade?
These are the questions I ask myself when I hear the gut wrenching stories of teenagers...children, really...who resort to desperate measures to end the pain and heartache in their lives caused by being bullied by the world around them because they are different. Sadly, a huge percentage of these young people are in the midst of the turmoil and confusion of discovering their own sexual identities and the fear that they will be scorned and rejected, not just by the bigger kids in the locker room, but by their very own families, spiritual leaders, and communities as well. I cannot even imagine going through this process today.
I initially came out as a lesbian when I was 23 years old. At that time, it was not a difficult process for me. After many years of not really understanding my feelings at all...not being able to really put a name to it, boyfriends, bad sex, and an even worse marriage...I met a woman, we fell in love, and I was home. This is how I knew it was right - because it was home. At that time, I was fortunate NOT to be in high school. Instead, I was living in the middle of Dallas' very large LGBT community. I was blessed to live less than 1 mile from the largest Metropolitan Community Church congregation in the world - and to have, at my disposal, loving and caring leaders, pastors, and friends to guide me through the process of understanding who I was as a woman. I never, to any large extent, experienced the discrimination that many LGBT folks find themselves battling every day.
And then I became addicted...got in trouble....went to, well, you know..."camp"... And my world completely changed.
The treatment program that I was required to complete was rigid, unforgiving, and based upon the idea that relentless confrontation of undesirable behaviors would make you a better person. Twice a week, I was required to attend a group in which everyone sat in a circle and confronted each other about the bad behaviors that they had observed during the week. I routinely was confronted for what was termed as "unhealthy behavior" for things like talking to one particular peer too often, glancing at another person in the shower room, and spending too much time with other "obviously gay" peers in the recreation area. I never allowed these confrontations to end without a statement in my own honor...usually something like "I am not here to recover from homosexuality, I am here to recover from addiction. I am not interested in a relationship here, and have not engaged in the behavior that I am being accused of." These sessions were often followed by a summons to the unit commander's office to receive consequences for my "undesirable" behavior "- typically being restricted to my tiny cubicle for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And still I was steady in my own identity.
Upon leaving this program, I was mandated to complete an aftercare program in a transitional living center that was run by a fundamentalist christian organization - and this is where my struggle really took place. I was alone, vulnerable, and very afraid that if I did not change every thing about my life, that my sobriety would be short lived and I would find myself right back in the horrible place that I had just left. The first Sunday that I was there, the other residents were lining up for church and I told the staff on duty that I was not interested in attending. Immediately, the women in the line began to whisper among themselves that I was not a christian and that the devil had a hold on me. In my state of weakness and turmoil, it took that little to shake my foundation. What followed was one of the most difficult times I have ever experienced. I went to the services, I listened to the pastor saying things like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." My program counselors sought to determine the "cause" of my gayness" so that they could help me "overcome that issue." I sought the counsel of the church leaders...and was led to the standby scriptures that are so often utilized by the christian right to condemn homosexuals and to instill fear and hatred into our families and friends. As I retreated further and further into a dark and lonely closet that I had never really experienced, I was heavily rewarded by the people that I was beginning to rely heavily on for my new identity. They were my examples of "good" people - people that were not going to Hell. I thought about dating men...I carried a purse...I started growing my hair - all things to please and appease the world that I was in. I had friends, I had the respect of many people, and most of all - I wasn't going to Hell. The problem was that, inside, I was already in Hell. I was living completely contrary to the person that I knew myself to be.
Separating from that situation turned into a whole new coming out process for me - this time in an environment not nearly as friendly or accepting as the original one had been. I had developed relationships and attachments to people based on someone that I was not, and so my pulling away from them felt very unfair to them...and then I felt guilty and bad as a result of that. Rumors flew about the endings of those relationships and multiple attempts were made by various people to track me down, pull me back, and save my soul. I ended up feeling angry, stalked, and crazy...and it took a great deal of time for me to move back into space where I felt comfortable with myself. Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever come closer to relapsing than I did in the middle of all of that...it was a terrible time for me - a time when I wondered if I would ever be accepted and loved for what was really inside of me.
Fast forward to today...I have found my home again, and am very comfortable here. I don't fly a rainbow flag from my porch, but I refuse to hide who I am or who I love. I speak openly at work and in social circles, and I stand up for what I know when others around me harass, ridicule, or slander others. It doesn't take activists to create change in the world...it takes regular people like me, just one at a time, speaking out against that which is wrong, and refusing to accept that which is unacceptable. It should be noted, too, that I have been able to reconnect with some of the people from that fundamentalist church via social networking, and I am convinced that they are well intentioned and kind individuals that were only trying to be helpful - I do not believe them to be evil, or purposefully hurtful at all...they simply have a different truth than I do. Finally, I get that there are plenty of arenas in which coming out is risky business, however, I also believe that it is the single most important thing that we can do in setting the example that we are willing to put our money where our mouth is and live our lives honestly and without fear. I understand the pain of our young people...the uncertainty, the shame, and the drive to hide their true selves from a world that seeks to destroy them. I understand the feeling of wanting to hide, to disappear, even to die because there is no place that feels safe, or comfortable, or loving. And if they are reading now, I want them to know that it gets better...there is a place for you in this world.
I am writing this blog today, because I have lots of acquaintances via this amazing internet whose reach goes far beyond what mine ever will. Icons and heroes of a community that has been a refuge to me for most of my adult life...celebrities like Suzanne Westenhoefer, Jen Foster, Cathy Debuono, Jill Bennett, Melissa Etheridge, Amy Ray, Emily Saliers, Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Bettens, Meredith Baxter...these are just a handful that have been influential in my own life - there are so many more. I want to challenge all of these people, and the publicists and press that surround them to take action!! Make videos for the It Get's Better project, or the We Give a Damn Project...reach out to your audiences, to your politicians, your voices are loud and listened to - use them!! Please...there are lives at stake...your work may never be more important than it is right now.
These are the questions I ask myself when I hear the gut wrenching stories of teenagers...children, really...who resort to desperate measures to end the pain and heartache in their lives caused by being bullied by the world around them because they are different. Sadly, a huge percentage of these young people are in the midst of the turmoil and confusion of discovering their own sexual identities and the fear that they will be scorned and rejected, not just by the bigger kids in the locker room, but by their very own families, spiritual leaders, and communities as well. I cannot even imagine going through this process today.
I initially came out as a lesbian when I was 23 years old. At that time, it was not a difficult process for me. After many years of not really understanding my feelings at all...not being able to really put a name to it, boyfriends, bad sex, and an even worse marriage...I met a woman, we fell in love, and I was home. This is how I knew it was right - because it was home. At that time, I was fortunate NOT to be in high school. Instead, I was living in the middle of Dallas' very large LGBT community. I was blessed to live less than 1 mile from the largest Metropolitan Community Church congregation in the world - and to have, at my disposal, loving and caring leaders, pastors, and friends to guide me through the process of understanding who I was as a woman. I never, to any large extent, experienced the discrimination that many LGBT folks find themselves battling every day.
And then I became addicted...got in trouble....went to, well, you know..."camp"... And my world completely changed.
The treatment program that I was required to complete was rigid, unforgiving, and based upon the idea that relentless confrontation of undesirable behaviors would make you a better person. Twice a week, I was required to attend a group in which everyone sat in a circle and confronted each other about the bad behaviors that they had observed during the week. I routinely was confronted for what was termed as "unhealthy behavior" for things like talking to one particular peer too often, glancing at another person in the shower room, and spending too much time with other "obviously gay" peers in the recreation area. I never allowed these confrontations to end without a statement in my own honor...usually something like "I am not here to recover from homosexuality, I am here to recover from addiction. I am not interested in a relationship here, and have not engaged in the behavior that I am being accused of." These sessions were often followed by a summons to the unit commander's office to receive consequences for my "undesirable" behavior "- typically being restricted to my tiny cubicle for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And still I was steady in my own identity.
Upon leaving this program, I was mandated to complete an aftercare program in a transitional living center that was run by a fundamentalist christian organization - and this is where my struggle really took place. I was alone, vulnerable, and very afraid that if I did not change every thing about my life, that my sobriety would be short lived and I would find myself right back in the horrible place that I had just left. The first Sunday that I was there, the other residents were lining up for church and I told the staff on duty that I was not interested in attending. Immediately, the women in the line began to whisper among themselves that I was not a christian and that the devil had a hold on me. In my state of weakness and turmoil, it took that little to shake my foundation. What followed was one of the most difficult times I have ever experienced. I went to the services, I listened to the pastor saying things like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." My program counselors sought to determine the "cause" of my gayness" so that they could help me "overcome that issue." I sought the counsel of the church leaders...and was led to the standby scriptures that are so often utilized by the christian right to condemn homosexuals and to instill fear and hatred into our families and friends. As I retreated further and further into a dark and lonely closet that I had never really experienced, I was heavily rewarded by the people that I was beginning to rely heavily on for my new identity. They were my examples of "good" people - people that were not going to Hell. I thought about dating men...I carried a purse...I started growing my hair - all things to please and appease the world that I was in. I had friends, I had the respect of many people, and most of all - I wasn't going to Hell. The problem was that, inside, I was already in Hell. I was living completely contrary to the person that I knew myself to be.
Separating from that situation turned into a whole new coming out process for me - this time in an environment not nearly as friendly or accepting as the original one had been. I had developed relationships and attachments to people based on someone that I was not, and so my pulling away from them felt very unfair to them...and then I felt guilty and bad as a result of that. Rumors flew about the endings of those relationships and multiple attempts were made by various people to track me down, pull me back, and save my soul. I ended up feeling angry, stalked, and crazy...and it took a great deal of time for me to move back into space where I felt comfortable with myself. Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever come closer to relapsing than I did in the middle of all of that...it was a terrible time for me - a time when I wondered if I would ever be accepted and loved for what was really inside of me.
Fast forward to today...I have found my home again, and am very comfortable here. I don't fly a rainbow flag from my porch, but I refuse to hide who I am or who I love. I speak openly at work and in social circles, and I stand up for what I know when others around me harass, ridicule, or slander others. It doesn't take activists to create change in the world...it takes regular people like me, just one at a time, speaking out against that which is wrong, and refusing to accept that which is unacceptable. It should be noted, too, that I have been able to reconnect with some of the people from that fundamentalist church via social networking, and I am convinced that they are well intentioned and kind individuals that were only trying to be helpful - I do not believe them to be evil, or purposefully hurtful at all...they simply have a different truth than I do. Finally, I get that there are plenty of arenas in which coming out is risky business, however, I also believe that it is the single most important thing that we can do in setting the example that we are willing to put our money where our mouth is and live our lives honestly and without fear. I understand the pain of our young people...the uncertainty, the shame, and the drive to hide their true selves from a world that seeks to destroy them. I understand the feeling of wanting to hide, to disappear, even to die because there is no place that feels safe, or comfortable, or loving. And if they are reading now, I want them to know that it gets better...there is a place for you in this world.
I am writing this blog today, because I have lots of acquaintances via this amazing internet whose reach goes far beyond what mine ever will. Icons and heroes of a community that has been a refuge to me for most of my adult life...celebrities like Suzanne Westenhoefer, Jen Foster, Cathy Debuono, Jill Bennett, Melissa Etheridge, Amy Ray, Emily Saliers, Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Bettens, Meredith Baxter...these are just a handful that have been influential in my own life - there are so many more. I want to challenge all of these people, and the publicists and press that surround them to take action!! Make videos for the It Get's Better project, or the We Give a Damn Project...reach out to your audiences, to your politicians, your voices are loud and listened to - use them!! Please...there are lives at stake...your work may never be more important than it is right now.
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