Taking Off the Masks: A Look Back at 2009

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be
done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through
the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential.
~Ellen Goodman~

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each
new year find you a better man.
~Benjamin Franklin~

I don't even know quite how to begin looking back at 2009. It was a year of so many surprises, opportunities, first steps, giant leaps, and downright freefalls and I have been continuously challenged - finding growth in rising up to meet various opponents. This year, I have taken risks beyond what I ever could have imagined that I would - and created expectations within my world that I never could have dreamed would be met...and I have encountered the most amazing and inspiring people along the way.

I have to say that the highlight of the year for me has to be the cruise that I went on in November. I am not a traveler for the most part...but I have always dreamed of visiting other places. The particular tour that I chose gave me the incredible opportunity to fulfill that dream, and to make a difference in other parts of the world by participating in local volunteer activities at the same time. It is such a profound concept. I saw sunrises over the ocean, and sunsets in 3 different countries that took my breath away. I got kissed by a dolphin, rode a horse on a Mexican beach, and left my mark in the pediatric ward of a Belizean hospital by helping to paint cartoon character murals on the walls for the young patients to enjoy.

This cruise was so important to me on a number of levels and quickly became a representative symbol of an internal journey that had been taking place for me since very early in the year. When I boarded that ship, I literally left behind everything remotely familiar and entered a world which I knew nothing about and where I was completely unknown. My own anonymity and the knowledge that my interaction with this particular universe was for just one week in time was such an incredible gift. It allowed me to spend time discovering my real self - the self that lies underneath the masks that I wear to fit into my life and to experience, without fear, how THAT self could relate to the people around me. The only disruption to the peace I felt seemed to be a fairly intense level of "politicking" going on at the corporate level among the staff of the travel group - and it somehow cast an air of cliquishness and exclusivity among some of the passengers that put me off a little. One particular moment stands out as I noted some of the higher level staff pointing around and whispering among themselves...and it took me back to a definite "mean girl high school" moment. Even that, however, provided a significant opportunity for self examination and growth in my own heart. Overall, the cruise was an incredible experience that brought about a definite shift in the state of my soul - and as we arrived back in the states I realized that I was done with the masks...there is simply no longer a need.

Weeks later, after much dreaming, planning, saving, and anticipating, I packed my car and moved 700 miles away - again, away from all things familiar and secure and into a world that is unknown to me...and in which I am unknown. It is a new start for me...the darkness of my past making way to a future that I am uncertain about, but that is full of possibility. With everyone I hold dear safe and sound in my heart, I begin a new story.

The pencil is sharp, and a blank page stares at me as I formulate my opening statement:

Chapter One...

Five Simple Rules

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
~Albert Camus~

I don't know who wrote this or where it came from - all I know is that it came to me right on time. It touches me deeply and so I put it here as a reminder to me, and a little food for thought for all of those passing through...

How To Be Happy

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coiled and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait. "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away, just for this time in my life. " She went on to explain, "Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." And with a smile, she said:

"Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less."

Peace in a New Day

Gonna find peace in a new day, gonna build a better way...
...brick by brick, stone by stone, stick by stick
~Rayn~

There has never been a time in which I wanted a "do over" more than the day that I stood in front of a conservative Texas judge in handcuffs and waited for his decision. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I completely understood that my life was about to be profoundly changed, forever.

And I was right.

When I came home from "camp" (well, okay, it was prison - but it was kind of like camp...with really bad food, no swimming, and very mean camp counselors...heh.), I set my sights very low, and spent a great deal of time wishing I could go back and start over. I thought of all of the things I could have done differently, better, smarter. On a daily basis, I grieved the things and people that I had lost. And I never imagined for one single minute that my life would ever be different. In my own mind, I believed that I had fucked up SO badly that this was the life I deserved...my punishment, penance, atonement. I eventually found a sort of peace in low expectations. I found a job that paid the bills and a quiet, solitary, off the radar life that was often lonely, but always predictable. I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to stop thinking about things I could not undo. Mostly, at all cost, I tried to avoid thoughts of the future...because those seemed to be the emptiest, grayest, coldest thoughts of all.

Until the day that I sat down and took a good hard objective look at myself - through my own eyes, through the eyes the honest and caring people that I had surrounded myself with, and through the factual history of the last several years of my life. All of that searching, evaluating, and challenging in my soul left me with only one possible conclusion:

The penance is done. I am not a bad individual - I made poor choices, and I paid a very high price. I learned. I grew. And I deserve a future...I have worked my ass off for it. I have earned it.

And so my sights aimed higher. A job that brings me joy in addition to income. A place to live where I can feel safe, and free, and peaceful. Forgiveness - most of all from myself.

If you build it, they will come.

I cannot go back and change the past - and I often wonder if it would really even help if I could. But, brick by brick, I am building a different future.

A new start.

And I am awed by the possibilities for a different ending.