“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Three weeks ago today, I lost the only unconditional love
that I have ever known. My mom was a
beautiful, kind, funny, and generous spirit – and she was my best friend. She religiously called me at 6 am and kept me
company on my commute to work and she was the first person I called crying when
I got the flu last year. At some point
during every conversation that I had with her, she asked me about what I had
for breakfast, what I packed for lunch, and what I was cooking for dinner. She was the last person left on this planet
that would freak out if I let it slip that I hadn’t eaten all day…
And now, there is just this huge void…the kind of void that
I once filled with alcohol and pills…A hollow emptiness that can make your
voice echo for days. The kind of gaping
hole that threatens to swallow a person up if they don’t step slowly and
gingerly around it.
I have mantras that get me through the day: This too…May this serve awakening…Forgiven,
Forgiven…May I feel held in loving presence…Safe and at ease…
Today, I had M & M’s for breakfast. I had Nachos for lunch. And I had Coca Cola for dinner.
Forgiven, forgiven…
I didn’t take a pill…I didn’t drink a bottle of wine…
It was the best I could do…
Tomorrow will be better…and if it isn’t, well…then some
tomorrow in the future will be better.
I am going to bed sober…
It wasn’t a banner day,
But it was enough.
Just for today…it was enough…
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