Love Wins...It Always Does

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. 

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today, the supreme court handed down a historical ruling on the side of equality for all people.  When I heard it, I cried without really understanding why.  Most days, I don’t feel like an outsider or like I am the object of discrimination because of my sexuality.  But the feelings that welled up inside of me with the ruling really spoke to how deeply the sense of separation runs and how longstanding it has been.  I have become so far removed from it that, in the day to day life that I lead, I am not even aware of it until something like this comes along and the sense of relief nearly drops me to my knees.  The tears that flow today, flow in the remembering of times in my life when I was not removed from the pain of discrimination and hate.  They flow as I think about a thousand or more LGBT people in Dallas, Texas silently walking on a cool October evening with candles in remembrance of a young man in Wyoming tied to a fencepost and left to die for being just like us.  Tears flow as I remember the hot shame of being asked for my ID by mall security after someone had reported that there was a man in the women's bathroom because they only saw my short hair and boyish clothes and didn’t really look at me. They flow as I remember the self consciousness of holding my partner’s hand in a public place and the hurt of being introduced as my partner's “friend” when we would go to gatherings with her family or work or opting out of these events altogether because we simply weren’t welcome as a couple. They flow as I remember kneeling at an altar in a fundamentalist church while the preacher violently prayed over me that God would forgive and remove the "sinfulness" from me because I wanted to desperately to be accepted and loved by the people that worshipped there and I knew that I would never be as long as these "shameful" and "dirty" feelings were inside of me.  Tears flow as I remember lying down in the street in front of city hall for a chalk outline to be drawn to represent the thousands of gay men that were losing their lives to AIDS before the cocktail and when “Living with HIV” was not even yet a thing.  I remember those men…many, many of them.  Tears flow as I remember volunteering at the AIDS Crisis Center on Reagan street in Dallas - sharing meals and visiting with the folks that came in to eat there…hanging out with my neighbor at the Food Pantry…and ultimately, propping myself up next to him in his bed and watching TV while is IV medications ran in every day because his family had disowned him and wouldn’t even acknowledge his existence.  The tears flow as I think about friends that have lost loved ones in hospitals where, in spite of having loved and lived and laughed together for many years, and having cared for them until their final days, they were not allowed in their hospital room because they were not considered to be truly family and for those same friends that had to, through their grief, fight their partner's families to keep the homes and belongings that they shared together. They flow for friends that built their families and had children together, only to never see those children again when their families were separated by the many human shortcomings that have ways of tearing families apart because there was not legal recourse or protection. And they also flow as I remember the way my heart grew on parade days - hot, humid, sweaty days in September - when our community flooded the streets and the air was alive with activism and the sense that we were not invisible - celebrating love that was demonized in the world outside of our little community as sinful, wrong, and inferior...

While our love has always been equal, today, it is acknowledged by the world…and, while I have spent a good part of my life trying to get to the place where I do not have to be acknowledged to be validated, I have to admit…this one feels really, really special.  And that is why the tears are flowing…

Love wins.  It always does...

The Buddha Inside

The Buddha Inside

Today is one of 

Those days

When just moving

Feels like Sisyphus

Pushing the boulder

Up the mountain

And watching it 

Roll down again

Dropping to this cushion

Feels welcoming

And sacred

Nothing to do or be

Breathing in

Touching the grieving

The vast emptiness

The clutching fear

Breathing out

With understanding

Others feel this too

Over and over again

Coming back

Forgetting

Remembering

Resting

Held close

By the buddha inside

Of this breaking

Awakening heart.

c.sharshel 

2/7/2015

Metta-Morphosis

Metta-Morphosis

Darkness illuminated

Through fresh cracks

In weathered armor

Soaked and softened

By loving intention

Tender flesh opening

Into the vast space

Of loving awareness

Unafraid and undefended

Trusting these fragile wings

As they develop

And unfold exactly

How they are meant to be

Beautifully unique

Spreading into flight

On the winds

Of lovingkindness

Awakening transformation

Metta-morphosis

A wish for 

All beings everywhere...

c.sharshel

12/18/2014

M&M's for Breakfast

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Three weeks ago today, I lost the only unconditional love that I have ever known.  My mom was a beautiful, kind, funny, and generous spirit – and she was my best friend.  She religiously called me at 6 am and kept me company on my commute to work and she was the first person I called crying when I got the flu last year.  At some point during every conversation that I had with her, she asked me about what I had for breakfast, what I packed for lunch, and what I was cooking for dinner.  She was the last person left on this planet that would freak out if I let it slip that I hadn’t eaten all day…

And now, there is just this huge void…the kind of void that I once filled with alcohol and pills…A hollow emptiness that can make your voice echo for days.  The kind of gaping hole that threatens to swallow a person up if they don’t step slowly and gingerly around it.

I have mantras that get me through the day:  This too…May this serve awakening…Forgiven, Forgiven…May I feel held in loving presence…Safe and at ease…

Today, I had M & M’s for breakfast.  I had Nachos for lunch.  And I had Coca Cola for dinner.

Forgiven, forgiven…

I didn’t take a pill…I didn’t drink a bottle of wine…

It was the best I could do…

Tomorrow will be better…and if it isn’t, well…then some tomorrow in the future will be better.

I am going to bed sober…

It wasn’t a banner day,

But it was enough.

Just for today…it was enough…

Say I Love You

Say I Love you

Say it randomly

To the people closest to you

To a stranger on the street

To yourself in the mirror

Tell someone what you love most

About who they are

And then another thing

There can’t be too many

Just say it out loud

Watch it light them up

Watch it light you up

Say “I love you”

Say it again and again

Because everything else

Is just idle conversation.

c. sharshel

11/3/2014

Eleven Years in the Making...More Than Enough

“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our

entire imperfect and messy life.”  

~ Tara Brach, PhD ~

The back seat of a Dallas police cruiser is made out of black molded plastic.  Practical for its purpose, I suppose, but pretty brutal in the middle of a hot Texas August with your hands cuffed behind your back.  I was pretty skinny then – preferring pills to food and knowing that they always worked better on an empty stomach or with just enough food to keep me from throwing them up - and the cuffs felt like they were crushing into my bones between my body and the hard plastic.  There would be no pills for me on this day.  Overnight, I had taken my last handful and pushed myself to a rare edge where my fearlessness disappeared and I found myself on a hotel bathroom floor bargaining with the universe and promising to get myself together if I could just not die that night…if I could just wake up one more time.  The universe complied and I made a plan.  Just one more bottle…enough to wean myself off…just one more time.  As it turned out, the universe had it’s own plan – and it was nothing like mine at all.

When I was released from the firm grasp of the Texas criminal justice system, honestly, I was completely resigned to the fact that I would never be able to have any kind of normal life again.  Convicted felons don’t get very far in the job market, and my social skills had been all but erased by my time behind locked gates.  Content with making the rent and my legal fees, I lived life by the one foot in front of the other philosophy.  I was terrified, isolated, and filled with shame and regret and grief.  Still, I had a job, I had a place to lay down at night, and I had money for food.  I had what I needed, and it was enough…really, more than I ever really thought I deserved.

I have no idea what happened between here and there, but I must have done something very right.

On August 23, 2014, I mark 11 years of sobriety. Ten, five, even three years ago, I wouldn’t have imagined that it was possible to be in the place that I am in today.  Recovery is an ongoing journey, and much of the road is rocky and unpaved.  Sometimes, we figure out a way through the parts that seem impassable, and sometimes, we sit down in the gravel, cry, scream, swear, and wait for help to arrive.  Either way, every time we make it through, it is both a momentary victory and a temporary reprieve.  Tomorrow…or in five minutes…there will be another pit of quicksand, construction zone, or crumbled bridge to navigate.  Life on life’s terms.

The most important thing that my own journey has given me is an appreciation of my own freedom to choose the path that I walk today, and tomorrow, and the next day.  I can choose to walk in fear of what is next, or regret of what is past - sometimes those roads seem to be the easiest to walk, because they are so very familiar - or, I can choose a more mysterious path that leads to places unknown, and trust that, whatever the difficulties that the journey holds, I will figure out the way through, or find a place to rest until help comes along.  What I know for sure is that there is no easy or straightforward way to anywhere worth being…I am going to get lost, likely more than once…that there is no shame in asking for directions…and finally, that sometimes, the best thing that I can do is just to stand still until those directions make themselves known, often in some very unexpected way.  With my meditation practice, I have finally found the way to some internal settling…a hope that peace is possible...and a map to find my way home when I need it.  I have learned to say yes to what is here and not strive to eliminate it or destroy it or push it away with drugs, alcohol, or anything else.    Whatever pain or fear or grief or joy...I am learning to welcome it, honor it, and sit with it for as long as I need to.  I am learning that I don't have to believe my crazy thoughts and that the stories that make up my life do not define my true nature or block the light inside of me.  It is a process, but I am learning. I cannot even begin to describe how my heart fills with gratitude when I reflect on the gifts that this practice and the people it has brought into my life have given me…so many times, when I have felt so weak, so alone, and so close to the edge…I have turned to this practice for refuge and, again and again, have been reconnected with my intention to be with myself and with others with the kind of love, compassion, and honesty that cannot exist in the absence of sobriety.

I have so many things to be grateful for.  In the throes of my addiction, I often behaved in ways that might be unforgivable to many, but I have been blessed with the kind of people in my life that believe in redemption.  Many of the relationships that I thought were lost forever have been restored and the new friends that I have made throughout this journey have enriched my life in a thousand ways.  Even those relationships that were completely destroyed with no hope of reconciliation have left me with valuable lessons that I probably couldn’t have learned any other way.  I have earned the trust and respect of my family, and I am so incredibly thankful for their love, support, and presence in my life.  I have a good, solid job that allows me to take care of myself and plan for my future, while helping addicts who still suffer to get the help that they need...and through offering my experience, strength, and hope to others, my own sobriety is supported, nourished, and strengthened.  Today, my life is so much more than it has ever been...it is full, and crazy, and imperfect, and messy...

And it is way more than enough.

Some days, it overflows…

Quote from Radical Acceptance:  Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, PhD.  For more information, visit www.tarabrach.com

Somewhere In Between

Just every now and then

You come to me in a dream

In the shadow moments

Between asleep and awake

The separation feels 

Nearly unbearable

And in the desperate reaching

I find only empty air 

And the grief 

Of another day before me

And I whisper a prayer

That someday

We will find

A bridge to meet upon

- c.sharshel

The Way Back Home

The Way Back Home

There is a place inside of my heart

Like a vast meadow

Alive with flowers and light and sky

Where perfect love flows freely

Through everything that finds it's way there

There isn't a map

Though the paths are many

Some are even and well tended

Most are dark and tangled

Hidden and overgrown

With thorny brush and old, moldering trees

Sometimes I stumble into the clearing

Quite by accident, surprised

And this presence beckons me 

Into her safe and loving arms

Welcoming me home

And while the sun beams into the center of my being

I hear the the voice of every kindness I have ever known:

Remember the way

Bring everything here

Every single traveling companion

The hurt, fear, shame

All of that unworthiness and pain

The regrets of a lifetime

The deepest despair
The most bitter resentment
And, yes, dear child

Even the fiercest anger

Will be openly and warmly received

Into this space that is big enough

For anything

Bring them for tea...

We will watch together

As the storms pass through

But I was lost when I arrived

How will I ever get back here

Through the unmarked paths

Winding here and there and everywhere

In the murky fog and foulest of weather?

The voice on the wind like a whisper:

Just be still

In the silence, you will find your way

Look for the light in the darkest night

It may be almost undetectable,

Look for it anyway...

The light will lead you home

And if you happen upon a passerby

That seems to know the lay of the land...

It never hurts to ask for directions.

c. sharshel 5/30/2014

 

This Side of December

This Side of December

Winter arrives

Cold dark hollow

Icy solace

On the bank of

A mighty river

Raindrops fall

Through frozen air

Break the surface

Become one with

Angry waves

Teardrops fall

Hot and salty

Breathless remembering

Of the way here

Of the way home

Steely clouds

Ripped wide open

Weep shamelessly

State of the heart

This side of December

- C. Sharshel 12/2013

Coming Out of The [Recovery] Closet

There are many ways up the mountain, but each of us must choose a practice that feels true to his own heart. 

- Jack Kornfield

This month, I will celebrate 10 years in recovery from my addiction to copious amounts of any drug, drink, activity, or person that can change the way I feel and take away the anxieties, insecurities, and other demons that keep me company on a regular basis.  It's a milestone for sure.  The road has not been particularly straight, smooth, or even paved in places.  I've taken a few wrong turns and I've fallen face first into a couple of potholes along the way.  I must say, I have become somewhat proficient at getting up, doctoring up the road rash on my face, and mustering the strength to keep walking...giving a little more careful attention to where I am putting my feet, and the position of the sun.

This week, my employer has been hosting a training workshop for aspiring interventionists - and part of the event has been a morning 12 step meeting each day - operating in the tradition and format laid out by Alcoholics Anonymous.  I attended all but one meeting and found the experience, strength, and hope in the room each and every morning to be nothing short of inspiring and took something profound and life giving away from each and every gathering.

And here is where I come out of the closet:
 
This evening, I met up with part of the group for some ice cream and conversation.  The conversation turned to meetings and the like and someone asked me how often I go to local meetings.  Without a beat, I said "Well, you know...I go to an occasional meeting - but I'm not really a die hard meeting girl."  Needless to say, in a crowd of folks in various stages of recovery, I got some interesting looks.

(Oh, wait...did you think I meant a different closet???)

What???  You don't go to meetings???  What kind of recovery person are you???

So perhaps I should explain further.

It is my belief that there are as many paths to recovery as there are people that need them - and that, while there is a wide range of diversity and compatibility, they all share some very fundamental similarities - recognizing that what we are doing is destroying us and the people we love...finding faith and relationship in a loving and guiding being or energy that is bigger that what we call self...acceptance and letting go...honest examination of the things that cause suffering in our lives and really seeking to know what role we play in creating and prolonging that suffering...and then owning them...taking responsibility for them...and finding freedom from them by making amends where we can, and practicing new ways of thinking and behaving so that our actions/reactions can be different the next time...and, finally, taking advantage of opportunities to share the things we learn along the way with others who may find hope and strength and peace in our experiences.

Sound familiar?  Of course it does...whether you are in (INSERT ADDICTION HERE) Anonymous, or influenced deeply by Eastern philosophies, or a devoutly religious person devoted to any number of versions of God, or an atheist or agnostic who is simply committed to this kind of way of living - and even if you somehow fit all of these...of course it sounds familiar.

Of all of the paths that I believe in...the ones I do not believe in, and will never believe in, are the one way, the right way, and the only way...

The traditional 12 step model has carried me through a lot of recovery, and I still rely so much on it's principles in my life.  Every day starts with an acknowledgement of my absolute need for guidance from the higher power of my understanding and ends with an inventory of my day and an honest look at what could have been different and where I may need to make some amends - along with a profound gratitude that I am going to bed as a completely different individual than I was 10 years ago.  I share my story honestly and often in hopes that each person that hears it will find some hope and strength in my experience.  I go to a meeting from time to time - and I am never sorry that I went...and I always come out with something that I need and leave something that I don't.  Most often, however,  I am committed to spending quiet time in meditation...centering myself...checking in with my heart...connecting with a universal, loving energy...staying present in each and every moment, engaging in "Metta" (loving-kindness) practice - sending prayers of love out for people in my life and for the world we live in...and seeking learning experiences that help me to relate to myself and others with more love, compassion, and integrity.  This is where I find my serenity...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.   It is not always perfect and it may not work for everyone, but it seems to be serving my own recovery well...

I think that the most important thing to remember is this:

Whatever path you are on that best serves and supports your recovery - keep coming back.

It really does work, if you work it.

 

And on that note...

Thank you for allowing me to share :-)

Daily Intention

"I am a Professional Laugher"  - The Dalai Lama

 

Yesterday, I was browsing through blogs and I stumbled on one devoted to Haiku.  I have been feeling a strong drive to write lately, but seem to get really stuck when I sit down with pen and the dreaded blank sheet of paper.  The simplicity of the Haiku seemed appealing and quite beautiful to me and I thought maybe I would try my hand at it the next time I was feeling inspired.  This morning, I saw this picture on Facebook with a quote from the Dalai Lama that said:

"I Am a Professional Laugher.  I have been confronted with many difficulties throughout the course of my life, and my country is going through a critical period. But I laugh often, and my laughter is contagious. When people ask me how I find the strength to laugh now, I reply that I am a professional laugher."

Immediately, I was inspired - so here is my first attempt at Haiku: 

Daily Intention

Laughter is worship  

Metta, my utmost prayer  

Daily intention  

C. Sharshel, 6/15/2013

Memory of the Breaking

O, wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

Memory of the Breaking

 

Bare, leafless trees

Stand stark against the January sky.

 

The remnants of our time

Ache like old, forgotten fractures

Chilled in the bitter wind.

 

The memory of the breaking

Playing over and over again.

 

The darkest corner of grief

Is winter.

 

C. Sharshel

1/17/2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Chance

Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds
~Gautama Siddharta~


Another Chance

Guided by circumstance
Facing the consequence
Sifting through the ashes of
The fires of my own self destruction

Stumbling into love, buried in hate
Seeking solace in numbness
A place in which neither
Could find its roots in my soul

High hopes, lost dreams
Good intentions
Shattered and scattered
Irretrievable in the wind

Broken promises, spoken confessions
Penance, amends, forgiveness, direction, concession
Through blood and tears and fear and shame
Surviving the unsurvivable

Laughing and crying and screaming
Burning in this fire
Cold, shaking
Opening, breaking

Waking...

Another chance to try again

CMS 5/22/12

On Letting Go...

Two Buddhist monks are walking along a river in silence. They have a vow of chastity which requires that they never speak to or ever touch a woman. As they were walking up river, they came upon a woman who was desperately trying to cross the river to get to her child on the other side. It's a fast-flowing river and she is frightened to cross it by herself. One of the monks walks over to h...er and offers his help. He picks her up and his legs, made strong from walking mountain, valleys and rivers are able for the current. He carries her across the river, sets her down, comes back to join his companion and they begin again to walk in silence. About two hours later, the second monk says to the first, "I can't believe you carried that woman across the river. I can't believe you touched her. I can't believe that you broke your vows..." The other monk simply looks at his companion and says, "I put her down two hours ago. You are still carrying her." Is there something that we are carrying around that we need to set down? Let it go, set it free, stop letting it distract and limit you.

Francis Leavey

And Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All...

The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.
~Marianne Williamson~

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

As my sobriety date approaches this year, I have been looking through some of my past step work - particularly steps 8 and 9. It seems like every year at this time, I enter into a place of darkness and uncertainty in my recovery. I find myself remembering, reliving, and revisiting some of my most regrettable moments and calling to mind my most painful, and most well deserved losses...the things I cannot change. More than anything, I think of the people that were the victims of my selfish recklessness. Looking back at some of the lists that I have made over the years, I see names that have dropped off of the page, and names that have stayed near the top - amends that I have just not been able to call finished. This year, however, what I notice about the list is not so much about the names that are on them, or have been crossed off of them. What I notice most is the name that has never appeared at all...my own.

At the height of my addiction, I was not a good person. I engaged in behaviors that make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them. I hurt many people...my family, my friends, the people that cared about me the most. And I also hurt myself...over and over and over. I abandoned myself. I treated myself in the most horrifying ways imaginable. How can my list of persons I have harmed ever be complete without my own name listed right at the very top?

It is a difficult thing to get a handle on. In recovery, we learn that we must be vigilant against the disease by holding ourselves accountable and taking full responsibility for our actions. Giving myself a break often feels like making an excuse, and the notion of compassion for myself feels like a certain ticket to relapse. The idea of ever forgiving a time in my life that feels absolutely unforgivable to me is so incredibly hard to accept. But the step says "and became willing to make amends to them ALL."

I often refer to my addiction as a fire that consumed everything in it's path. It has taken a very long time, and a huge amount of care to bring the burned and barren landscape back to the point of being able to support new life. But new growth cannot happen in an environment of hostility and darkness. Just like plants need sun and water and good soil, my own soul needs love and compassion and understanding from the inside to bloom to it's potential beauty...

I am afraid, but I am willing.

Today, I will make a new list -

And my name will be at the top...

Searching and Fearless

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-August Wilson-

Inventories...we all do them at one time or another. We take stock of what is in our pantry before going to the grocery store and we make our list accordingly. Each season we look at our wardrobe to figure out what we have, what we need, what no longer fits, what needs to be discarded or donated, and what might be salvageable or even made almost new with some attention and mending. In business, inventories are designed to give us the information that we need to make decisions and plans for how to move successfully into a thriving future.

An inventory is a fact finding mission. Still, it is easy to get caught up in judgement. Who knows the annoyance associated with going to the grocery store and buying something only to find, as you stuff it into your already full cupboard, that you already have 15 other cans of whatever it is? Ok, well, maybe just me - I am obsessed with always having enough tomato sauce. But I would venture to guess that we have all been through the big closet raid - trying on pants that haven't seen action since Madonna was making bad movies and skinny jeans were the ones you wore when you weren't feeling bloated - and men didn't wear them at all. If you are anything like me, time has taken it's toll and, well, those pants bring up all kinds of feelings and judgements, don't they? Our questionable taste and that extra pound or two (ha!) collide head on with each other to create an epic session of self loathing and shame...do they not?

And so it goes with Step 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. By embarking on this journey, we commit to taking stock of our fears, resentments, indiscretions, and responsibilities. We count specifically and remember in detail the people that we have injured and harmed. We seek out and own our part in the situations and events that have injured and harmed us. It is not an easy task and while it provides many opportunities to judge and berate, it is also ripe with opportunities for growth and compassion towards ourselves. This is the crossroads that step 4 presents to us after the understanding and relief that we find in steps 1, 2, and 3. When all of the unearthing is finished and our findings are laid out in front of us, how will we choose to use the facts that have been revealed? Will we use the information to expand our spirit or diminish it?

It is no coincidence to me that my step 4 work comes about in the spring season...around the same time as Lent. In Christian faiths, Lent is a time of observance for the sacrifice of Christ and preparation for the new hope that is coming through His resurrection. In nature, Spring is a time when the frozen ground of winter thaws into fertile soil ready for new growth and abundance. In both, we sacrifice. We remember. We prepare. We humble ourselves. We dig in the dirt, and analyze the light, the weather, and last year's successes and failures. Instead of getting stuck on what we didn't know last year, we marvel at how what we didn't know last year has taught us the things we need to know this year in order to plant the most amazing garden ever. Likewise, by practicing compassion with ourselves as we work through step 4, we are creating the space, conditions, and light that encourage spectacular new growth inside of our own souls. It is not always easy, and it hardly ever comes naturally - we have to choose it, and work at it to overcome the years of training that have taught us to do just the opposite.

I am not there yet, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth everything that I have to put into it...I have faith.

Nunc ceopi. Now I begin.
What was is past
What will be is hidden in the future
It is only now, this day, this moment, that counts.
Not what I did yesterday, or what I may do tomorrow...
Now I begin.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.

What's In Front of You

What I learned in sobriety is that you don’t have to have courage. You just have to keep doing what’s in front of you. Courage is not necessarily the absence of fear and trepidation. It’s just putting one foot in front of the other... - Meredith Baxter*

Sometimes, I get tired. I lose my reasons. So many people around me hear my story and remark about my strength, courage, determination...and it never quite rings true for me. A short time ago, a friend even said that I am her hero. HERO?? REALLY?? I don't think so. I barely qualify as sane, according to some. But you know, I guess everyone has a different perspective on the concept of hero, so, I suppose I don't really mind the label - as false as it feels in my own soul.

When I think of the word courage, I think of people making choices to act in brave and heroic ways. I think of people standing up for what they believe, and defending others that cannot defend themselves. I think of human beings that face the most difficult circumstances...in situations where there can be no good outcome...with grace and dignity. I think of fearlessness, and strength, and boldness...normal human beings doing extraordinary things with their lives.

My own journey often seems unremarkable, and certainly somewhat less than courageous. I got clean because I had to...there was no other choice. I stayed clean for many years out of fear. I wanted to use every day, but I was terrified of the consequences. The first years of my sobriety involved three things - going to work, going to meetings, and going to sleep. It took a long time to venture beyond that simplicity into being social, being active in a community, and really beginning to build a new life.

Life is more complicated now and the past few months have been really difficult. I have been faced with some choices that have felt unfair, and some situations in which there really didn't seem to be a good outcome. I am doing the best I can with them - and it is really all I can expect of myself, I suppose. I have a bad habit of looking beyond the present and obsessing about things that could happen, or might happen, or probably won't happen (but what if they do!!). I do the same thing with the regrets of the past...ruminating and reliving and punishing myself with thoughts of all of the ways it could have been different - if only I had been better, normal, good. Oh, the things we cannot change. While I am doing this - I lose today, and this moment...which is, as we all know, the only thing we really have.

Its important to be reminded that courage can be defined in many ways and that, sobriety is not a destination...it is a journey taken one step at a time and always focused on the thing that is in front of me today. The past is over, and the future is going to happen with or without my input - but the choices that I make on THIS day are the ones that will prepare me for the ones ahead and whatever they may bring.

My life is anything but big...it is not loud or spectacular or heroic.

But I think, just maybe, I can accept courageous...

*Meredith Baxter is a beloved and iconic television actress. Her warmth, humor, and brilliant smile made her one of the most popular women on television. Meredith finally reveals the woman behind the image in her memoir Untied - available in stores and online now.