Early in my recovery, I once said "I'd rather feel it than not feel it - whatever it is." Sometimes I can be so dumb.
It's a bad day today, and by bad I mean sitting in a dark room hugging my dog listening to the same song over and over staring into space ruminating about my horribleness oh my god I just want a pill kind of bad day.
On days like today, I reconnect with an uncanny ability to look inside myself and find a way to remember every mistake I have ever made, every sideways comment that I have ever said, every disappointment that I have ever caused and put them all together as the best evidence ever of my own stupidity and badness. Everything people say (or don't say for that matter) goes through my "I hate me" filter and straight into my heart.
Today, I am struggling with a demon of my own making. More than a year ago, I had a brief affair with someone that I knew was otherwise attached. To make it ok inside my own heart, I told myself that their relationship must not be what it should be, or the affair wouldn't be happening at all. I told myself that I was in love with her before the two of them ever even met. I told myself that it was only a matter of time before she would understand that I was actually the one she needed. I lied to myself over and over again.
What it took me a while to really understand was that, to her, I was nothing more than a conquest, and ego stroke, a toy. She had the life she wanted barring a little forbidden excitement - which was where I came in. When the forbidden excitement threatened to affect her stability at home, she decided we should just be friends - unless, of course, I could find a way to reconcile my position in her life in a way that would NOT affect her loving committed PRIMARY relationship - and then it would be great to continue on exactly as things were going. Her argument was that if I couldn't be happy being her friend with benefits, I must not have ever cared about her to begin with. After many attempts at the friendship thing, I eventually began to pull away...the truth was just too hard.
This weekend, they are getting married.
And I can't watch.
And she doesn't get why.
My emotions are cycling all over the place, I hate it. Sad, angry, hurt, guilty, ashamed, grieving, self loathing, resentful. impulsive, crazy, overwhelmed... and I remember saying that thing about how I would rather feel it than not.
Dumb....really dumb.
A demon of my own making...
All I have to do is not take a pill...this will pass
This will pass...
It's a bad day today, and by bad I mean sitting in a dark room hugging my dog listening to the same song over and over staring into space ruminating about my horribleness oh my god I just want a pill kind of bad day.
On days like today, I reconnect with an uncanny ability to look inside myself and find a way to remember every mistake I have ever made, every sideways comment that I have ever said, every disappointment that I have ever caused and put them all together as the best evidence ever of my own stupidity and badness. Everything people say (or don't say for that matter) goes through my "I hate me" filter and straight into my heart.
Today, I am struggling with a demon of my own making. More than a year ago, I had a brief affair with someone that I knew was otherwise attached. To make it ok inside my own heart, I told myself that their relationship must not be what it should be, or the affair wouldn't be happening at all. I told myself that I was in love with her before the two of them ever even met. I told myself that it was only a matter of time before she would understand that I was actually the one she needed. I lied to myself over and over again.
What it took me a while to really understand was that, to her, I was nothing more than a conquest, and ego stroke, a toy. She had the life she wanted barring a little forbidden excitement - which was where I came in. When the forbidden excitement threatened to affect her stability at home, she decided we should just be friends - unless, of course, I could find a way to reconcile my position in her life in a way that would NOT affect her loving committed PRIMARY relationship - and then it would be great to continue on exactly as things were going. Her argument was that if I couldn't be happy being her friend with benefits, I must not have ever cared about her to begin with. After many attempts at the friendship thing, I eventually began to pull away...the truth was just too hard.
This weekend, they are getting married.
And I can't watch.
And she doesn't get why.
My emotions are cycling all over the place, I hate it. Sad, angry, hurt, guilty, ashamed, grieving, self loathing, resentful. impulsive, crazy, overwhelmed... and I remember saying that thing about how I would rather feel it than not.
Dumb....really dumb.
A demon of my own making...
All I have to do is not take a pill...this will pass
This will pass...
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment